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No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

by Parker · 221 things on Twos

A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life
Introduction
Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.
The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are "good," they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.
Chapter 1: The Nice Guy Syndrome
Nice Guys believe that if they are "good" and do everything "right," they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.
Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others. These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them.
Nice Guys fix and caretake. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, Nice Guys will frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation (usually without being asked).
Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of validation from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone's approval or avoid disapproval. This is especially true in their relationships with women.
Nice Guys avoid conflict. Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth. To do this, they avoid doing things that might rock the boat or upset anyone.
Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.
Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things. Nice Guys believe there is a key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong.
Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They may see feelings as a waste of time and energy. They frequently try to keep their feelings on an even keel.
Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be 180 degrees different from Dad.
Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends.
Nice Guys frequently seek the approval of women and convince themselves they are different from other men. They like to believe that they are not selfish, angry, or abusive — traits they link to "other" men.
Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put others' needs ahead of their own.
Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships.
Nice Guys are dishonest. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.
Nice Guys are secretive. Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, "If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence."
Nice Guys are compartmentalized. Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary (or intern) because he never put his penis in her vagina.
Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.
Nice Guys are controlling. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them.
Nice Guys give to get . Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.
Nice Guys are full of rage. Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
Nice Guys are addictive. Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying "no," "stop," or "I'm going to." They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.
Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.
Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy's childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval. Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.
Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships. Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are frequently a source of struggle and frustration. For example:
Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person's problem.
Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem.
It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be "projects" or "diamonds in the rough." When these projects don't polish up as expected, Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.
Nice Guys have issues with sexuality. Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who isn't either dissatisfied with his sex life, has a sexual dysfunction (can't get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography, compulsive masturbation, etc.).
Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice Guys I've met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential.
A paradigm is the road map we use to navigate life's journey.
The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this: IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life. Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder.
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one's self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process.
Breaking Free: Activity #1 Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves a radical change in perspective and behavior. Trying to do it halfway will only result in needless suffering.
Breaking Free Activity #2 Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?
Chapter 2: The Making Of A Nice Guy
Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is.
To children, abandonment means death.
Children are ego-centered. This means that they inherently believe they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them.
Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him.
These abandonment experiences might include any of the following experiences: He is hungry and no one feeds him. He cries and no one holds him. He is lonely and no one pays attention to him. A parent gets angry at him. A parent neglects him. A parent puts unrealistic expectations on him. A parent uses him to gratify his or her own needs. A parent shames him. A parent hits him. A parent doesn't want him. A parent leaves him and doesn't come back in a timely manner.
Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad.
A child who is feeling lonely may misbehave in a way that is sure to attract his parent's attention in a negative way.
Trying to be "good" — trying to become what he believes others want him to be — is just one of many possible scripts that a little boy might form as the result of childhood abandonment experiences and the internalization of toxic shame.
In one form, a Nice Guy exaggerates his belief about his "not OK-ness" and believes he is the worst kind of person. I call this man the "I'm so bad" Nice Guy. The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy is convinced everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking windows and getting whippings as a little boy. He will reveal running afoul of the law and making his mother cry when he was a teenager. He will tell tales of smoking, drinking, using drugs and carousing as an adult. He is convinced his only hope for having any kind of happiness in life lies in trying his best to mask his inherent badness. He never really believes anyone will buy into his Nice Guy persona, but doesn't think he has any other choice.
The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness. He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable. As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "t". This Nice Guy has tucked his core belief about his "not OK-ness" into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person.
Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood.
Breaking Free Activity #3 On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn't OK for you to be who you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well. The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was not a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and help you change your Nice Guy script.
"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always had."
Chapter 3: Learn To Please The Only Person Who Really Matters
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval.
Breaking Free Activity #4 Ways nice guys seek approval: Being smart. Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice. Looking unselfish. Being different from other men. Staying sober. Being in good shape. Being a great dancer. Being a good lover. Never getting angry. Making other people happy. Being a good worker. Having a clean car. Dressing well. Being nice. Respecting women. Never offending anyone. Looking like a good father.
By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves.
Nice Guys interpret a woman's approval as the ultimate validation of their worth.
Breaking Free Activity #5 If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently? If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex be different?
Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and unlovable. They believe that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or abandoned. As a result, Nice Guys are consummate cover-up artists.
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. Ironically, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies, partial truths, and omit information if they believe it will prevent someone from focusing on them in a negative way.
Part of the Nice Guy's belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever notice the few things (if any) he does wrong.
Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage. Conversely, Nice Guys try to fix situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset.
DEER is an acronym I use for: Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize. These are all fear-based behaviors used to distract others from focusing on the Nice Guy's mistakes and "badness." The Nice Guy is most likely to go into the DEER Response when he has done something or failed to do something, and someone (usually wife, partner, or boss) confronts him and expresses his or her feelings.
If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his shame will be triggered. In an attempt to distract himself and the other person from his "badness" he may try to turn the tables and do something to trigger the other person's shame. I call this shame dumping. This unconscious strategy is based on the belief that if the Nice Guy can shift the focus to the other person's badness, he can slip out of the spotlight. Typical shame dumping techniques include blame, bringing up the past, deflection, and pointing out the other person's flaws.
Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close. Understandably, this affects their ability to be intimate, but it also protects them from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include: Addictions (food, sex, t.v., alcohol, work, etc.), humor, sarcasm, intellectualism, perfectionism, and isolation.
Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy.
Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.
Breaking Free Activity #7 Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you? How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you — no matter what?
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves changing core paradigms. Instead of seeking external validation and avoiding disapproval, recovering Nice Guys must begin seeking the approval of the only person who really matters — themselves.
To help facilitate this recovery process, Nice Guys can: Identify how they seek approval. Take good care of themselves. Give themselves positive affirmations. Spend extended periods of time alone. Reveal themselves to safe people.
Rather than focusing outward for acceptance and approval, they turn inward. In doing so, they can begin asking themselves the important questions: "What do I want," "What feels right to me," "What would make me happy?"
Breaking Free Activity #10 Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.
I strongly recommend that Nice Guys take trips and retreats by themselves to places where no one knows them. In this context, the Nice Guy has fewer reasons to try to win people's approval, and there is less of a need to try to hide faults and mistakes. While alone, Nice Guys can reflect on themselves and their life direction. It is also a good time to practice taking responsibility for one's needs.
Breaking Free Activity #11 Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal. Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises. When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.
Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans.
Chapter 4: Make Your Needs A Priority
This created an unsolvable bind: these helpless little boys could not totally repress their needs and stay alive, and they could not meet their needs on their own. The only logical solution was to try to appear to be needless and wantless while trying to get needs met in indirect and covert ways.
Nice Guys often believe it is a virtue to have few needs or wants. Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.
Nice Guys are extremely uncomfortable when they actually do get what they want. Though most Nice Guys have a difficult time grasping this concept, they are terrified of getting what they really want and will go to extreme measures to make sure they don't. Nice Guys carry out this unconscious agenda by connecting with needy or unavailable people, operating from an unspoken agenda, being unclear and indirect, pushing people away, and sabotaging.
Breaking Free Activity #12 Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs? Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?
The Nice Guy's covert contract is simply this: 1) I will do this ______________ (fill in the blank) for you, so that 2) You will do this ______________ (fill in the blank) for me. 3) We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.
Telling her "I love you" first to get an "I love you too" in return is indirect, unclear, and manipulative.
Nice Guys believe if they are "good," then they should be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.
Breaking Free Activity #13 Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other. What do you give? What do you expect in return? Share this information with the other person. Ask the person how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda.
Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one's needs met.
Caretaking always consists of two parts: 1) Focusing on another's problems, needs, or feelings in order to 2) Feel valuable, get one's own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one's own problems or feelings.
Caretaking: Gives to others what the giver needs to give. Comes from a place of within emptiness within the giver. Always has unconscious strings attached.
Caring: Gives to others what the receiver needs. Comes from a place of abundance the giver. Has no strings attached.
Nice Guys caretake for a number of reasons, none of them having anything to do with love. For them, even the most innocuous and subtle act often has some string attached. Nice Guys give in the ways they would like others to give to them. They give gifts, affection, back rubs, sex, surprises. They will encourage their partner to take a day off, buy a new outfit, go to the doctor, take a trip, quit a job, go back to school — yet would not give themselves permission to do any of the same things.
Breaking Free Activity #14 Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week: 1) Go on a caretaking moratorium. Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely (except to young, dependent children). Tell people what you are doing so they won't be confused. Observe your feelings and other people's reactions. 2) Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to create awareness of your caretaking behavior. Pay attention to how you feel and how other people react to you.
Giving to get creates a cycle of craziness called the victim triangle. The victim triangle consists of three predictable sequences: 1) The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return. 2) When it doesn't seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one keeping score and he isn't totally objective. 3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.
Breaking Free Activity #15 It can be difficult to make a direct link between your caretaking behavior and the emotional pukes which inevitably follow. Observe the ways you hurt the people you love. ● Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful "jokes"? ● Do you embarrass them in public? ● Are you frequently late? ● Do you "forget" things they've asked you to do? ● Do you criticize them? ● Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave? ● Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them? Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and emotional pukes. This information may be hard to hear and may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking out of the victim triangle.
Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.
No one was put on this planet to meet your needs.
Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn't drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.
When Nice Guys take responsibility for their own needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the covert contracts, the guessing games, the anger outbursts, and passive-aggressive behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the resentment.
Experiment with putting yourself first for at least a week.
Is this what I want? Yes. Then that's what I'll do.
Breaking Free Activity #16 Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing. Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns. At the end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself first. Remember, you don't have to do it perfectly. Just do it.
Chapter 5: Reclaim Your Personal Power
Nice Guys are wimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it's true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.
Breaking Free Activity #17 Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth, problem-free life. Write down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give an example of how you use this strategy to try to control your world in adulthood. Note how each of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe person. ● Doing it right. ● Playing it safe. ● Anticipating and fixing. ● Trying not to rock the boat. ● Being charming and helpful. ● Never being a moment's problem. ● Using covert contracts. ● Controlling and manipulating. ● Caretaking and pleasing. ● Withholding information. ● Repressing feelings. ● Making sure other people don't have feelings. ● Avoiding problems and difficult situations.
Personal power is a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come.
Reclaiming personal power includes: Surrendering. Dwelling in reality. Expressing feelings. Facing fears. Developing integrity. Setting boundaries.
Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power and getting what one wants in love and life is surrender. Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can't change and changing what one can.
Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a "gift" from the universe to stimulate growth, healing and learning. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" the recovering Nice Guy can respond to life's challenges by pondering, "What do I need to learn from this situation?"
Breaking Free Activity #18 Think about one "gift" from the universe which you initially resisted but can now be seen as a positive stimulus for growth or discovery. Are there any similar gifts in your life right now to which you need to surrender? Share this information with a safe person.
Breaking Free Activity #19 Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from the situation. Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to believe onto it? If you had to accept the reality of this situation, how might you change your response to it?
Breaking Free Activity #20 Some guidelines about expressing feelings. • Don't focus on the other person, "You are making me mad." Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: "I am feeling angry." • Don't use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in "I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me." Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body: "I'm feeling helpless and frightened." • In general, try to begin feeling statements with "I", rather than "you." Try to avoid the crutch of saying "I feel like." As in "I feel like you are being mean to me."
I can handle it.
Breaking Free Activity #21 List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, "I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it." Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. In reality, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are basically honest people. Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding the truth robs Nice Guys of their personal power.
My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it."
Breaking Free Activity #22 Choose one area in which you have been out of integrity. Identify your fear that keeps you from telling the truth or doing the right thing. Reveal this situation to a safe person. Then go and tell the truth or do what you have to do to make the situation right. Tell yourself you can handle it. Since telling the truth may create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone involved will survive this crisis.
Breaking Free Activity #23 Before you can start setting boundaries, you have to become aware of how much you back up from your line to avoid conflict or to keep the peace. For the next week, observe yourself. Do you say "yes" when you would rather say "no"? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away? Write these observations down and share them with a safe person.
Chapter 6: Reclaim Your Masculinity
I define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species.
These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity.
Women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to please them — they want a man who knows how to please himself.
Reclaiming one's masculinity involves:
Connecting with other men.
Getting strong.
Finding healthy male role models.
Reexamining one's relationship with one's father.
The best thing you can do for your relationship with your girlfriend or wife is to have male friends.
As they get many of their emotional needs met with men, recovering Nice Guys become less dependent, needy, manipulative and resentful in their relationships with women.
Friendships with men have the potential for tremendous depth and intimacy because there is no sexual agenda. A Nice Guy will frequently avoid doing anything that might upset his partner and cause her to not want to have sex with him. With men, recovering Nice Guys don't feel like they have to please, placate, lie, caretake or sacrifice like they believe they have to with women. Not having a sexual agenda removes the fear and dysfunctional dances so common for Nice Guys in their relationships with the opposite sex.
Breaking Free Activity #25 List three men whom you would like to get to know better. Next to each man's name list a possible activity you could do together. Next to this, write down a date and make a commitment to contact him by this day.
Embracing one's masculinity mean's embracing one's body, power, and spaciousness. In order to do this, recovering Nice Guys have to stop putting junk into their bodies and train them to respond to the physical demands of being male. This involves eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing, and getting enough rest. Whether the Nice Guy stays fit by running, swimming, weight training, martial arts, playing basketball, volleyball, or tennis, this physical strength translates into self-confidence and power in every other aspect of his life.
Breaking Free Activity #26 Identify three ways in which you neglect your body. Write down three ways in which you can start taking better care of yourself.
Breaking Free Activity #27 Visualize what you think a healthy male would look like. What personality traits would he posses? Write these down. Do you know anyone who has a number of these traits? How could you use this person as a healthy role model?
Breaking Free Activity #28 Embracing masculinity involves coming to see Dad more accurately. To facilitate this process, create a list. On the left side, list a number of your father's characteristics. Write the opposite characteristic on the right side. Indicate where on the spectrum between the two that you see yourself. When recovering Nice Guys do this exercise they are often surprised at what they discover about their fathers and themselves. They often see how they have made their fathers into a caricature — a distortion of who they really are. They may realize that if the man they have become is based on a reaction to how they saw their fathers, they too have become caricatures. Remember, the opposite of crazy is still crazy. They realize that if their lives are a reaction to Dad, then Dad is still in control. They discover that they can be different from Dad without being the opposite. They often come to realize that they have more traits in common with their fathers than they had previously realized or wanted to accept.
Recovering Nice Guys can show their daughters what a real man looks like. Girls benefit by seeing their father set boundaries, ask for what they want in clear and direct ways, work hard, create, produce, have male friends, and make their own needs a priority. As with little boys, girls can learn what it means to be male both by watching their fathers and by interacting with them. This modeling will have a positive influence on their choice of future partners.
Chapter 7: Get The Love You Want: Success Strategies For Intimate Relationships
Breaking Free Activity #31 We tend to be attracted to people who have some of the worst traits of both of our parents. Instead of blaming your partner for your unconscious choice, identify the ways in which she helps you recreate familiar relationship patterns from your childhood. Share this with your partner.
When healthy individuals recognize that they have created a relationship that is not a good fit, or that a partner they have chosen lacks the basic qualities they desire, they move on. Not Nice Guys. Due to their conditioning, Nice Guys just keep trying harder to get a non-workable situation to work or get someone to be something they are not. This tendency frustrates everybody involved.
I frequently encourage recovering Nice Guys to be just who they are, without reservation. I support them in deciding what is right for them and being that with all of their energy for the whole world to see. The people who like them just as they are will hang around. The people who don't, won't. This is the only way to have a healthy relationship. No one really wants to believe that they have to be false or hide who they really are to get someone to love them or stay with them. Yet, this is a common dynamic in the intimate relationships Nice Guys create.
Breaking Free Activity #33 List some of the ways you try to please your partner. What changes would you make if you did not have to worry about making her happy?
To help Nice Guys decide if they need to set a boundary with a particular behavior, I have them apply the Second Date Rule. Using the second date rule, Nice Guys ask themselves, "If this behavior had occurred on the second date, would there have been a third?" This question helps them see if they have been putting up with something that they shouldn't.
When trying to decide how to deal with a behavior they have deemed unacceptable, I encourage Nice Guys to apply the Healthy Male Rule. Following this rule of thumb, they simply ask themselves, "How would a healthy male handle this situation?" For some reason, just asking this question connects them with their intuitive wisdom and helps them access the power they need to respond appropriately.
Wounded people are attracted to wounded people. When Nice Guys enter a relationship, they frequently choose partners who look more dysfunctional than they do. This creates a dangerous illusion that one of them is sicker than the other. This is a distortion, because healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people — and vice versa. I frequently tell couples that if you have one obviously wounded person in a relationship, you always have two. No exception.
Breaking Free Activity #35 The next time you find yourself feeling frustrated, resentful, or rageful at your partner, ask yourself these questions: "Why have I invited this person into my life?" "What do I need to learn from this situation?" "How would my view of this situation change if I saw it as a gift?"
Chapter 8: Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex
Internalized shame and fear are the greatest barriers to a satisfying sex life.
No one was put into this world to meet your needs but you.
All significant behavior patterns are the sum of many, much smaller behavior patterns. The most effective way to change a behavior is to change its smallest elements.
Breaking Free Activity #38 Set aside a time to practice healthy masturbation. Choose a comfortable place where you will be undisturbed. Practice by looking at yourself and touching yourself without using pornography or fantasy. Pay attention to how it feels to experience your sexuality without any goals or agendas (such as having an orgasm). Also observe any tendency to distract yourself from what you are experiencing (going into fantasy, becoming goal-oriented, having distracting thoughts, loss of physical sensation). Just observe these experiences and use them as information about your shame and fear.
Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy. It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways.
Breaking Free Activity #39 Consider going on a sexual moratorium. Consciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea, but once they make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very positive experience. Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time. I suggest three to six months. It can be done. Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience. You don't have to do it perfectly.
As in nature, the greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence. As recovering Nice Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more attractive. Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man.
Chapter 9: Get The Life You Want: Discover Your Passion And Purpose In Life, Work, And Career
If there were no limits on your life: ● Where would you live? ● What would you be doing in your leisure time? ● What kind of work would you be engaged in? ● What would your home and surroundings look like?
As you look at the reality of your life, ask yourself two questions: First, are you creating the life you want? Second, if not, why not?
If I were to identify one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by Nice Guys, it would be fear. Pretty much everything Nice Guys do or don't do is governed by fear.
The essence of all life is evolution and change. In order for this process to occur naturally and completely in an individual, a person has to be willing to let go of control. Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to resonate through one's self. The result is a dynamic, fulfilling life.
Trying to do it right robs Nice Guys of their creativity and productivity.
Striving for perfection keeps Nice Guys focused on their imperfections.
Seeking external validation and approval keeps Nice Guys stuck in mediocrity.
Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents Nice Guys from taking risks or trying something new.
Following the rules make Nice Guys rigid, cautious, and fearful.
Because of their fear of success, Nice Guys are masters of self-sabotage. They undermine their success by: Wasting time. Making excuses. Not finishing projects. Caretaking other people. Having too many projects going at once. Getting caught up in chaotic relationships. Procrastinating. Not setting boundaries.
At their core, all Nice Guys believe they are not important or good enough.
As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy.
Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, Nice Guys rarely live up to their potential or get what they really want in life.
Visualize creating a life where you do what you love and get paid for it.
Decide to face your fears. Decide to not settle for mediocrity. Decide to make your own rules.
What one man can do, another man can do.
The only thing stopping you from having the kind of life you really want is you.
Breaking Free Activity #41 What do you really want in life? What prevents you from making it happen? Write down three things you want to make happen in your life. Then write a personal affirmation that will take you where you want to go and post it on a sheet of paper where you can see it. Share your dreams and your affirmation with a safe person.
After years of frustration, I had a breakthrough. A very wise person suggested that I give myself permission to never publish the book. I felt an immediate sense of relief.
Will this help my clients find answers to their problems?
Trying to do it right only sucked the life out of No More Mr. Nice Guy! Letting go and letting it just be "good enough" set me free to embrace my passion and create something of lasting value.
Breaking Free Activity #42 How does your perfectionism or need to do it right get in the way of realizing your passion and potential? Pick one thing that you have always wanted to do: Write a book, turn your hobby into a business, move, go back to school, fully embrace a talent. Now, ask yourself the question: If you knew ahead of time that this endeavor would be a success, would you hesitate to do it? Would this knowledge set you free from the belief that you have to do it perfectly? Would this knowledge motivate you to get started or complete what you have already begun? What risks would you be willing to take if you knew ahead of time that there was no way for you to fail? What are you waiting for? Let go of the need to do it perfectly and just do it!
A major reason Nice Guys frequently fail to live up to their potential is that they believe they have to do everything themselves.
Breaking Free Activity #43 Do you believe your needs are important? Do you believe other people want to help you meet your needs? On a sheet of paper, make a list of helpers you have in your life right now. These can be friends and family members. They can be professionals such as doctors, lawyers, therapists, and CPAs. After making the list, answer the following questions: ● What kind of helpers do you still need? ● How can you use these helpers more effectively? ● How do you prevent these people from helping you? Start looking for opportunities to ask these people for help. Build networks. Before asking for help, repeat the affirmation: This person wants to help me get my needs met.
In most situations, Nice Guys aren't victims to others, they victimize themselves.
A mortgage, a wife, a lack of a degree, debt, children — are all just excuses. Making significant life changes doesn't require chucking all these things. It means seeing them for what they really are — excuses — and taking small steps in the direction one wants to be going.
Breaking Free Activity #44 Identify how you sabotage yourself. Once you have identified your patterns, determine what you have to do differently to get what you really want. Review each item below and identify specific behaviors that will help you stop sabotaging yourself and achieve your goals. Focus. Do it now. Accept "good enough" rather than "perfect". Finish what you start. Don't start new projects until the old ones are completely finished. Don't make excuses. Detach from other people's problems. Share your strategy with a safe person. Check in with them on a regular basis to monitor how you are doing (failing to do this part would be an effective way to sabotage yourself).
When we come to see the world as a place of abundance we come to realize that there is plenty for everyone. Everything we need is flowing by us — all we have to do is get out of the way of our own small thinking and let it come.
Unfortunately, the world can't give us something that we're not ready to receive. Since deprivation thinking keeps a person holding tightly to what he already has, there is no receptivity for receiving more. When we ask for what we want, and expect to receive it, it will come one way or another.
Breaking Free Activity #45 Set this ebook down for a few moments and close your eyes. Take a couple of deep breaths and exhale slowly. Clear your mind. Once you are relaxed, picture yourself living in an abundant world. In this abundant world, there are no restraints or limitations. Good things flow past you continuously. Imagine every abundant thing you have ever desired — car, home, friends, love, joy, wealth, success, peace of mind, challenge. Visualize yourself living your life surrounded by this abundance. Repeat this visualization several times a day until it begins to feel real to you. Open your arms, your heart, and your mind. Get out of the way, and let it happen.
Mature, successful people establish their own rules. These rules are measured by only one standard: Do they work?
Breaking Free Activity #46 Read over the list of rules below. Try a few of them on for size. Add to the list your own personal rules. Write these rules on note cards and put them where you can see them every day.
If it frightens you, do it.
Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
Put yourself first.
No matter what happens, you will handle it.
Whatever you do, do it 100%.
If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
Ask for what you want.
If what you are doing isn't working, try something different.
Be clear and direct.
Learn to say "no."
Don't make excuses.
If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.