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Start Love Repeat by Dorcas Cheng-Tozun

Start Love Repeat by Dorcas Cheng-Tozun

by Parker · 371 things on Twos

How to stay in love with your entrepreneur in a crazy start-up world
Foreword
What is the opportunity in this?
For Better or For Work: A survival Guide for Entrepreneurs and Their Families
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.” - Brene Brown
For a business to survive, the entrepreneur has to be all in, or the business doesn't stand a chance. The intense focus required by this passion project, aka the business, can be in conflict with the entrepreneur's passion for their intimates.
What is our motivation? Why are we doing this?
An entrepreneur often perceives stressors as positive challenges. The spouse, not so much.
Introduction
Those who choose to be with entrepreneurs invite things into their lives they may never have wanted: financial instability, uncertainty, stress, and the nagging sense that they are always playing second fiddle to the greater lure of their partner's business.
Our willingness to see everything that comes our way as a chance to learn and grow and try something new could be all we need to keep ourselves grounded and our relationships thriving.
Part 1: Market Research
Chapter 1: Meet the Entrepreneur
One of the top reasons company founders give for starting up is that they do not want to work for someone else.
The typical business owner actually earns 35% less over ten years than he would have earned working for someone else.
One reason why money- or status-driven entrepreneurs won't succeed is that they tend to make decisions that are bad for the business in the long run—though perhaps good for their own ego, image, or bank account in the short term.
Is the entrepreneur motivated by money, fame, or a desire to change the world?
Only those who want to change the world will persevere through the great challenges of building a company.
“The best reason to start an organization is to make meaning—to create a product or serve that makes the world a better place.” - Guy Kawasaki
Entrepreneurs consistently report higher job satisfaction and overall happiness than those employed by someone else.
Business founders work significantly longer hours and report higher levels of stress than those who work for someone else.
It takes remarkable people to support the creative, independently minded, can't-help-themselves entrepreneurs we love.
Chapter 2: Meet the Start-up
Two classic characteristics of start-up life: uncertainty and going it alone.
These are some of the things that don't typically exist in start-ups, at least in the beginning: paychecks, health insurance, job descriptions, assistants, business phone lines, office space, office supplies, tech support, reimbursements, vacation days, sick days, comp time, delegation, boundaries, work-life balance, timelines, guarantees, and answers.
There is nothing about the start-up life that is predictably linear.
If you can't communicate a clear vision or goal, then their spouses can't get on board.
Chapter 3: The Entrepreneurial Life
It is normal and expected for entrepreneurs to work ridiculously long hours.
Being an entrepreneur is out-of-this-world stressful.
“Stress is what arises when something you care about is at stake.” - Kelly McGonigal
Eustress is stress that is good for you. Eustress invigorates you, pushes you to achieve a goal, and often leads to feelings of fulfillment.
Distress leads to anxiety, impaired thinking, and illness.
What causes us to feel eustress or distress is not the specific stressor, but our perception of that stressor: Is it a positive challenge or a negative threat?
Human beings are not built to be under high degrees of stress, nonstop, for years on end.
Stress is as contagious as the common cold.
Chapter 4: The Entrepreneurial Relationship
“I really want to clear my life to make it so that I have to make as few decisions as possible about anything except how to best serve this community.” - Mark Zuckerburg
Even small decisions like choosing what to wear or deciding what to eat for lunch take too much mental energy.
The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload by Daniel Levitin
“Satisficing is one of the foundations of productive human behavior; it prevails when we don't waste time on decisions that don't matter, or more accurately, when we don't waste time trying to find improvements that are not going to make a significant difference in our happiness or satisfaction.” - Daniel Levitin
If you don't genuinely buy into this journey, all the effort and sacrifices that will inevitably be required of you will be a tricket straight to resentment purgatory.
Resentment is the persistent feeling that you're being treated unfairly—not getting due respect, appreciation, affection, help, apology, consideration, praise, or reward.
Resentment doesn't help because it adds emotional strain without spurring us into action.
Strategies to curb resentment are proactive communication and intentional time spent together.
First Things First by Steven Covey
You need to make time for things in life that are important but not urgent.
Understand your greatest needs and greatest stressors.
She wants to stick around despite the challenges. I am a decent human being who loves you but just happens to be consumed with a business, so it makes sense to fight for your relationship.
Part 2: Due Diligence
Chapter 5: Knowing Yourself and Your Partner
The root issue is often your own.
She felt a particular need to prove that she could keep up with her dream-big husband.
Chances are you struggle with something—and that something will be triggered, possibly to epic proportions, by the stress of being with an entrepreneur.
One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.
The more stress people get under, the more their time horizons narrow, the less far they can see into the future. They do not see the natural consequences of their actions.
Developing a details love map is a significant part of emotional intelligence. A mental file cabinet where we track everything important to our partner: his or her likes, dislikes, pet peeves, past experiences, fears, hopes, goals, and more.
Love maps, so long as we continuously update them, help us stay intimately connected with our partners regardless of the swirling, unpredictable challenges that come our way.
The 36 Questions That Lead to Love
Entrepreneurs change at a much faster rate because we always have to make very broad moves very quickly.
Workaholism is an obsessive-compulsive disorder that manifests itself through self-imposed demands, an inability to regulate work habits, and an overindulgence in work to the exclusion of most other life activities.
Healthy workers know when to close the briefcase, mentally switch gears, and be fully present... Workaholics allow work to engulf all other quarters of life.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
We all have something positive to contribute to our beloved entrepreneurs and their start-up adventures.
Why did you first fall in love with your partner? What characteristics and qualities most attracted you? What are you fondest memories of your relationship?
Chapter 6: Knowing Your Relationship
“It's going to get better soon.”
The false expectations he kept setting ended up being far more painful than if he had come right out and admitted, “It's going to stay really hard for another few years. I don't know when my schedule will get better.” That would have been excruciating to hear, but at least I would have been better prepared.
A basic problem in our relationship: we had mismatched expectations of one another.
Entrepreneurs often, but not always, marry their opposites.
15 areas of your relationship (Rate your level of satisfaction 1-10)
Shared Values 9 9
Commitment to Each Other 10 10
Communication Skills 7 7
Conflict Resolution Skills 7 7
Intimacy/Sexuality 10 10
Spirituality/Faith 8 8
Money Manangement 8 10
Appreciation/Affection 10 10
Lifestyle 10 10
Recreation 10 blank
Decision-making 8 4
Parenthood 8 blank
Household Chores 9 9
Gender Differences 7 8
Careers 8 8
Balancing Time 8 8
Scores of 8-10 show that you're happy with those areas of your relationship; scores of 4-7 indicate where your level of satisfaction could be improved; and scores of 1-3 point to areas of high dissatisfaction
Take note of scores that differ by three or more points
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (or disengagement and avoidance)
Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind—but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, and values.
While it is always a good idea to address our personal shortcomings directly, we shouldn't expect to fix all the things that are amiss in our relationship.
If something is less than make-or-break for you—an annoyance more than a fundamental concern—it's actually best if you can learn to let it go.
Anyone who has experienced a severe sprain or broken bone knows that overworking the point of injury in an attempt to help it heal or grow stronger will only make it worse. Instead, functionality is regained by strengthening the healthy muscles around the injury point and investing in the well-being of the overall system.
Friendship is a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company.
Getting the Love You Want by Dr. Harville Hendrix
Write down a list of ten specific ways in which he or she likes to be loved, and ask their significant others to do the same. After exchanging lists, each partner should take as many opportunities as possible to honor the requests of the other.
Don't keep score.
Love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, giving and receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Chapter 7: Knowing Your Priorities
18 common priorities from which to begin assessing what is most important to you:
Health and fitness
Spirituality/faith
Personal growth
Spouse/partner
Positive impact on society
Making use of talents
Family
Stimulating/rewarding work
Security
Wealth/savings
Time for leisure and relaxation
Friends
Independence
Professional growth
Influence and power
Income
Prestige and status
Where you live
My priorities: family, health, making use of talents, personal growth, positive impact on society, security, spirituality/faith, spouse/partner, wealth/savings
The top six are “essentials”; the middle six are “nice to haves”; and the bottom six are “non essentials.”
We can't put our best energy into all or even most of these priorities at the same time.
What are my six essential priorities in the next two years or so?
What are your medium-term goals in each of these priorities? (The most effective goals are specific, measurable, and attainable.)
What are the practical implications of these goals on your two most limited resources—time and money?
Priority, goal, time/money required to meet goal
You're only thinking about the next two years, not the rest of your lives.
You may need to postpone something you care about, or one of you may feel like she is being asked to sacrifice more than the other.
One of the trickiest balancing acts in romantic relationships: taking care of yourself while also selflessly loving your partner.
It's important not to sacrifice everything for the sake of his or her dreams.
Who will define this family more? How come he or she is not doing what I want? Whose money is it?
“Don't do things that will build resentment.”
If you want children, when do you want them, if you have them, how many do you have, how old they are, what special needs they might have.
In 2015, babies cost a family $233,610 up until the age of 18, or about $12,978 a year.
Elderly parents can cost $500 per day and assisted-living facilities can cost thousands of dollars a month.
Money is often the most pragmatic lens through which to consider what matters to us.
What is important enough to me that I am willing to pay for it? And how much is it going to cost me?
Am I ready and willing to commit my energy and financial resources to starting a family or buying a home at a time when my income is highly uncertain?
If you or your partner enjoys the finer things in life and would be fairly miserable without them, then the entrepreneurial path may not be for you. Sacrifice is always going to be part of the package, at least for a while.
The sense of teamwork is especially important for entrepreneurs and their significant others.
Chapter 8: Knowing Your Role
Conflict that is fueled by spouses happens more frequently than you might think. And it's one of the worst things that a spouse can do to his or her entrepreneur.
Scientific studies have consistently found that married people tend to be healthier than single individuals.
Two character traits that frequently get entrepreneurs and their businesses in trouble: arrogance and a need to control everything. They don't ask for help and drive away those who could help. They take on far more than they should, including things that they don't have the appropriate expertise in.
Providing accountability and developing character will give his company a better chance of succeeding.
If I am being too resentful or pessimistic, if I am pulling away from him or not providing the support he needs, I want him to tell me.
Part 3: Strategic Planning
Chapter 9: Developing Trust
In a committed relationship, trust extends far beyond the question of sexual fidelity. We want to trust our partners with our emotions, our finances, our time, our children, our social interactions, our home, our belongings, our memories, and more.
Trust leads to security and safety in a relationship; it's the gateway to meaningful communication and intimate connections.
Lies we tell ourselves are among the greatest barriers to a healthy relationship. “I like everything about you” and “We like all the same things.” It is only when we acknowledge our differences, and even the things we don't like about each other—and still remain committed that our relationship can grow.
Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner—And Yourself—in the 4 Stages of Marriage
Couples lie to preserve their relationships, but it's those very lies that create dissent and leave the partners feelings stagnant, isolated, and alone.
Both partners have a role in encouraging honesty. For every liar, there is a lie invitee: someone who doesn't want to hear the truth out of fear, anxiety, or insecurity.
Life with an entrepreneur may very well feel like an unending series of betrayals, as our beloved chooses his or her company over us time and time again.
It's not just about your partner earning your trust by keeping appropriate boundaries and honoring commitments; you also need to demonstrate your trust of your partner through your willingness to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
When do I trust my spouse and when don't I?
What kind of parameters do I need my spouse to set around work relationships, work hours, or travel?
Here are some examples of agreements that you might ask your entrepreneur to make. The more specific and measurable you can make these statements the better.
When I need to work late, I will...
I will set these parameters with friends, colleagues, and business partners of the opposite/same sex:
When ____ happens with the company, I will let you know right away.
When I am traveling, I will call home ____.
On the weekends, I will do ___ with the kids.
Examples of agreements you might make:
If I am feeling neglected or resentful, I will let you know by ___.
If I need more time to pursue my own professional or personal interests, I will ___.
I will set these parameters with friends, colleagues, and business partners of the opposite/same sex:
I will be responsible for raking care of the kids when ___.
I will continue to support your pursuit of this business as long as ___.
I will reserve ___ in my schedule as our date night.
If something in our house needs major repairs, I will ___.
If you are tempted to approach agreements as a weapon to call out our significant other for the slightest misstep, your loved one will likely reciprocate. At that point, you are no longer partners but have become adversaries.
The agreements should be dynamic and change with the relationship.
Steps to building trust:
I understand you: I've taken the time to understand what your values are.
I appreciate you: I appreciate what you value. I will show this appreciation through affirmation and recognition.
I have your back: I have your best interests at heart and can articulate that in a way that is meaningful to you. I understand your fears and insecurities, and will do what I need to do to help you feel safe and loved.
I will tell you the truth: I will not deceive you or keep things from you. I will be honest and open about the hard truths.
Healthy conflict is good for a relationship. It means you're working through issues that need to be addressed—but you're doing it in a way that strengthens your bond rather than harms it.
If you've made the effort to understand your significant other's perspective, he will likely want to return the favor.
Chapter 10: Maintaining Communication
Making Marriage Beautiful: Lifelong Love, Joy, and Intimacy Start with You by Dorothy Greco.
Our family cultures had so deeply shaped our preferences, biases, and beliefs that we reflexively judged anything different as wrong.
Entrepreneurs are a little more allergic to being told what to do. Invite your entrepreneur into a collaborative problem-solving process instead.
Productive communication is especially difficult for individuals who are stressed, angry, or fearful.
Talk through your basic schedule and day-to-day responsibilities.
Sharing household chores is the third most important factor of a successful marriage, behind faithfulness and a happy sexual relationship.
Having one pleasant, positive conversation with each other helped both partners feel more connected and less lonely. They even fell asleep faster that day.
Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage.
Check in on a daily basis while traveling.
Share openly and respectfully; listen to one another attentively and graciously; commit to increasing out understanding of one another; provide input and feedback that is for the betterment of our partner and our family.
Your partner's thoughts, emotions, and ideas are as valid as your own, and should be treated accordingly.
How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
3 step process for working through conflicts or challenges:
Addressing: you and your mate commit to bring up all your concerns rather than covering them up or disregarding them.
Processing: talk through what happened and its implications.
Resolving: develop agreements on what needs to change or what could be done differently.
Another step-by-step process
List the facts of the situation, which can be verified by both parties