Some Good and Bad Dad Jokes
by theprodigal@ · 72 things on Twos
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear.
- Why are Atoms so fun?
Because they are Part-Tickles.
- Q. Why do skunks love Valentine's Day? A. Because they're scent-imental creatures!
- I watched a documentary on how boats are held together!! Riveting 😁
- Europeans call it a LIFT. Americans call it an ELEVATOR. I guess we’re just RAISED DIFFERENTLY.
- I saw a radio on sale for a dollar the other day, said volume stuck on full. I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
- What does Jeff Bezos do before bed? He puts his pajamazon.
- Two cowboys are lost in the desert. They are so hungry. One cowboy sees a tree that's covered in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!", he cries out. He runs toward the tree and and attacked. It wasn't a bacon tree. It was a HAM BUSH!
- What do you call a baby axolotl?
An axolittle!
- If I had to rate our solar system, I'd give it one star.
- I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
- What Monster loves April Fools Day? Prankenstein!
- The aquarium announced that twin octopuses had been born. They were I-TENTICLE
- Did you know that scuba and tuba are both acronyms? Scuba stands for "self-contained underwater breathing apparatus." Tuba stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus."
- I've just got my old recliner chair out the garage & put it in my living room! I sat on it and thought "This takes me BACK"
- Why did the student only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on the exam?
Because they literally can’t even.
- Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or is it just one of Granny's myths?
- I can't take my dog to the lake anymore because the ducks keep biting her. I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.
- A lot of people accuse me of plagiarism. But those are their words, not mine.
- I made a paper airplane, but it just hovered in one spot like a helicopter. Then I remembered that is was STATIONERY.
- I made a chicken salad yesterday. Turns out they prefer grain.
- Most people with a fear of doing the high jump in gym class NEVER GET OVER IT.
- What wild animal does well on exams despite not studying?
The cheetah.
- I got a book today titled, "A Guide to Surgical Procedures." I opened it up and the appendix was missing.
- I never liked fractions. I never saw the point. But I guess you have to draw the line somewhere.
- I got myself an emotional support pet. It's a chicken. It's crispy and came with a biscuit. It did its job.
- In college I took two courses in genetic engineering. I got a D N A!
- You should always bring your glasses to math class. They help with DA-VISION!
- I just ate my Christmas dinner. Man, those slow cookers are awful.
- I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said: "Sure, knock yourself out!"
- Had to tell the kids we can't afford to take them to Disney. Told them we will take lots of pictures for them, though.
- Why do cats love birthdays? They love to PURRTY.
- Math humor. You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2.
- How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the "g."
- I found a quarter on the street. It looked like someone had chewed on it. I guess it was a BITCOIN.
- How did Loki feel after his brother punched him in the mouth?
Thor
- I accidentally planted the wrong Flowers in my Garden! Oopsie Daisies!
- If you see me talking to myself, just move along. See... I'm self employed and probably just having a staff meeting.
- The best house cleaners aren't just born. They're MAID.
- Recently, I've tried watching a documentary on wild pigs. It was pretty BOARING!
- Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
- When I tell people I grew up in the 80’s they think I had a big boom box. I did. But that’s sill just a STEREO TYPE.
- Did you hear about the guy who wrote a novel based on prisoners he met in jail?
It had its prose and cons.
- Never yell into a colander. You'll strain your voice.
- I fell in love with someone who only knew 4 vowels. They never knew I existed.
- I wrote a book about how not to fall down stairs. It's a step-by-step guide.
- Daughter: "Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? Me: "Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
- I’m Trying to get a Company Bowling League started. A few of the employees met this week to Get the Ball Rolling!
- Shout out to the people who keep asking you what the opposite of “in” is.
- Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
- I messaged the CEO of LEGO yesterday. He BLOCKED ME.
- If you've never owned a telescope, it's definitely worth looking into.
- You thought nobody here was going to tell root vegetable jokes today. But then I TURNIP!
- Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside? I have like 50 wooden balls already.
- We had a contest at work for the best neckwear. It was A TIE!
- I'm now the proud owner of a dairy company. I'm gonna milk it for all it's worth.
- Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on pumps at the gas station? It was an April Fuels’ joke.
- My wife said I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying that.
- Insurance companies are now warning campers, that if their tents get stolen
They won’t be covered
- Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs. It's because they are INCA HOOTS.
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. We went to an Italian restaurant. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
- I saw the Apple store get robbed. I guess that makes me an iWitness.
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A couch potato.
- I got kicked out of the coffee club because I wore a TEA SHIRT.
- Did you know Han Solo didn't like Chewbacca as a business partner at first? Han said Chewie made too many WOOKIE MISTAKES.
- A frog had his DNA tested. Proved he was part Irish, part Italian, and just a TAD POLE.
- What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
- What’s the scariest plant in the forest? Bam-BOO!!
- I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
- “My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.”
- I want to buy a greyhound dog, but I'll have to run it past my spouse first.
- How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.