TwosWrite things down

The New Rules for Behavior (New York Magazine)

The New Rules for Behavior (New York Magazine)

by Joe · 181 things on Twos

Do You Know How to Behave? Are You Sure?
How to text, tip, ghost, host, and generally exist in polite society today.
Friends and lovers
You don’t have to read everyone’s book.
You may callously cancel almost any plans up until 2 p.m.
Don’t be loudly naïve about dating apps if you’re in a relationship.
When shopping with a friend, don’t cut them in the rack.
Don’t use friends as foreplay.
Never wake up your significant other on purpose, ever.
While on a date, if you find you’re talking a lot, ask yourself, when was the last time I asked a question?
It’s acceptable to tell any kind of lie in order to leave a drinks date.
If someone starts telling you a story you’ve heard before, you have two seconds to tell them.
Straight people can use the word partner only when they’re trying to get something out of it.
When another human is present, don’t talk to your animal in the private voice you use when alone together.
On a date, all individuals present should gently and politely compete to pay the entire bill.
It’s never too late to send a condolence note.
Never send an Edible Arrangement.
It’s okay to ghost after one date.
If you ghost someone, stay gone forever.
Don’t wait for the right time to break up with someone.
If you’re a dating adult, you should own lube.
If your friend is dating someone you seriously object to, you have one shot to sit your pal down and say so.
Don’t describe TikToks. It’s more boring than describing dreams.
Gift randomly.
If you’re real friends, you accommodate the most COVID-careful among you.
Strangers and others
If you’ve met someone and they clearly don’t remember your name, say, “Hi, we’ve met, I’m X.”
Never answer a compliment with a compliment.
It’s okay to ask how to say someone’s name.
If someone mispronounces a word but you knew what they meant, move along.
The proper response to being told something you already know isn’t “I know.” It’s “you’re right.”
Don’t ask people how they got COVID.
Or why they’re wearing a mask.
When casually asked how you are, say “Good!”
Never ask someone about their nationality if you want to know their ethnicity.
Accents aren’t “cute.”
If you bring up astrology and it isn’t met enthusiastically, change the topic.
Actually, it’s great to talk about the weather.
Don’t address two or more women as “ladies.”
Never ask anyone what their job is.
Don’t feel bad about standing up in the aisle immediately upon the plane landing.
Always wink.
Don’t tell people they look like other people.
Do not touch the small of my back to move around me at the bar if you’re ugly.
Never show that you’re impressed by anyone.
Avoid vague and cliché euphemisms for your privilege.
Here’s a good way to handle yourself when being introduced to a famous person.
You and Bobby De Niro may go way back, but to everyone else, he’s Robert.
White people should always clearly pronounce 50 Cent.
Being an ally doesn’t mean debasing yourself.
Listening is not the time for you to silently rehearse what you want to say next.
You can recover from misgendering someone.
And if you see someone being misgendered, say something.
Going out and staying in
If your burger is becoming a salad, your restaurant-order modifications have gone too far.
No deciding your order at the counter. When you roll up, speak up.
Don’t foist your allergies onto a dinner party.
To gracefully exit a boring conversation, merge with another chatting duo, then sneak away unnoticed in the hubbub.
Don’t browbeat anyone into joining a game at a party.
For group dinners with friends, always split the bill evenly.
But if you’re drinking and I’m not, offer to pay the entire tip.
When planning a hangout, it’s absolutely fine to say “No partners.”
The grace period for one-on-one social lateness without penalty remains unchanged at ten minutes sharp.
The correct number of slices of pizza to order for a group of X people is 2X + X/3.
Venmo’s “remind” button is too aggressive. Text them instead.
White people should not use any variation of racial slurs at karaoke.
After high school, you’re not allowed to be a birthday diva.
If you plan a birthday trip, aggressively message that people shouldn’t feel obligated to come.
Don’t have an ironic birthday party.
Don’t scan the room for someone cooler to talk to. At any party, offer to bring down a bag of trash on your way out.
And if you bring food or drink, you can’t take it home with you.
Disperse — don’t clump — the superstars at the table.
Don’t go into a phone vortex at dinner.
Always be the first one out.
If you put out bowls of cigarettes at a party, you have to let people smoke inside.
If you like them, text people within three hours of hanging out with them.
Your house? Your COVID rules.
And if you’re hosting a gathering, you should explain the size of the invite list in real numbers.
Whoever put the most work into planning the trip gets first dibs on the rooms. And yes, that’s whether they’re single or a couple.
If your host is doing the dishes, it means you’re supposed to leave.
If you’re somebody’s houseguest, always strip the bed, even if they tell you not to worry about it.
Don’t talk about a movie when leaving the theater.
If you lose or break something you borrowed, offer to replace it.
Don’t buy a gift off-registry.
While not always feasible, it is morally superior to call in takeout and delivery orders rather than using the apps.
It’s fine to use COVID as an excuse to get out of almost anything.
Go on, take the last bite.
Tipping
At restaurants, the new range of socially acceptable and ethically expected tips is now 20 to 25%
At coffee shops, coffee carts, cafés, and bodegas, tip at least 20%. If your order is only coffee, you may tip $1. If you are buying an item that involves no prep - it is acceptable to not tip.
For food delivery, tip a minimum of $5, or 20%, whichever is greater. And even more in bad weather.
When picking up takeout at a restaurant, it's easy to understand why you might not tip anything, but you must tip at least 10%
At a bar, tip at least $1 per drink if you're just getting a beer, and 20% for a cocktail.
If you're at a food counter where employees are telling you about the items, slicing, or mixing–you must tip something if prompted. Ideally 10%.
Tip Uber drivers the same say you'd tip a cab driver–at least 20%
For everything else–hairstylists, waxers, movers–tip 20% minimum. And, always, more if you can.
Work
If you’re Slacking together in a meeting, don’t giggle.
And yes, it’s fine to text.
It’s okay to email, text, or DM anyone at any hour.
It’s polite to have your camera on for everyone in a Zoom or Teams meeting.
But don’t Zoom in from the Palace of Versailles.
And if you’re dialing into a meeting and your internet connection is choppy, don’t power through. Put your thoughts in the chat, or message someone to say them for you.
There are three things never to gossip about at work:
Someone crying.
Someone getting yelled at.
A private phone call you overheard.
Ignore your colleagues on the subway.
If you’re a boss and you see your employees in the wild, greet them warmly but briskly.
Don’t comment on other people’s food.
You can eat anything at your desk in an open-plan office.
Disclose your recent positive COVID test to those possibly affected promptly but without shame.
If you’re in the office, you’re wearing shoes.
If you hear rumblings of layoffs and are wondering if a friend or acquaintance was affected, the gentlest way to inquire is “Sounds like a tough day at [insert company or team name]. Sending good vibes.”
The City
If you are a fast walker and the person in front of you on the sidewalk is walking slowly, do not walk directly behind them for blocks on end.
Treat subway cars and buses like church pews — sit or stand as far in as possible so no one has to climb over you.
Don’t try to help a stranger parallel park.
Gossip as if the person were just 12 feet from you.
Saw someone shoplifting? No, you didn’t.
It’s perfectly fine to walk through someone’s scene.
Ask how much everyone pays in rent.
Parenting
You can discipline your friends’ kids, but not a stranger’s.
Don’t talk shit about your baby.
But is your kid doing algebra in second grade? Reading at 3½? Selectively share.
And sharing parenting advice is a no-win game.
Go easy when asking young people about life after high school.
Get into the gory details about your kids’ various illnesses pre-playdate.
Be clear about the kind of birthday party you are hosting.
Even when a kids’ party says “no gifts,” you’re supposed to bring a gift.
If someone’s baby is crying in public, you don’t need to stare at them.
Posting and texting
Don’t ever message someone “k.”
If you’re someone who types “hahaha” to things that are actually funny, don’t just say “ha” when they’re clearly not.
Don’t scroll through your friend or acquaintance’s photo roll.
Ask before sending a super-graphic pic.
Don’t use Instagram Stories to surveil what your friends choose to do instead of hanging out with you.
Don’t post in the manner of an influencer if you’re not one.
You don’t have to heart-react DMs or comments that don’t require a proper response.
Hot gossip goes only in the voice memo, never in text.
Sit down and respond to an email, even if it’s a year late.
Text-message amnesty is granted after 72 hours.
If you like something your friend is doing, promote it online.
But don’t harass your friends (or, worse, co-workers) to promote you online — and don’t forget lots of people just don’t live like this online.
Find your signature sign-off and stick with it.
But if you can’t find your way, consider “as always.”
Read receipts (pronounced as in the color, e.g., Clifford the Big Read Receipts Dog) are to be turned on only in cases of medical emergency.
You have to get consent to post a conversation with a friend.
Don’t pelt your friends with text messages.
Post like the wind.
Don’t post RIPs for celebrities.
Bonus rules
Be specific when ordering a martini.
Assume everyone is grieving.
Be on time — the people with the most expensive watches are always late.
Stop ordering everything online
No dogs in grocery stores or restaurants
Don’t butt in line with “a quick question.” They are never quick.
Stop calling your friend to ask the same questions every year—addresses, recipes, numbers. Write these things down. Keep track.
Holding a seat for someone isn’t fair.
Don’t make people have to chase you for money. Pay it.
Find a new icebreaker. Not everyone wants to answer “What do you do?” or “What are you working on?”
If you smoke weed or cigarettes, have them on you.
If you bring flowers to a party, they should already be in a vase.
Tell your guests what time you plan to sit down for dinner at a dinner party.
Always RSVP “no” if you’re the slightest bit unsure. And if you reply “yes,” you have to go.
Reply to an invite right away. Busy, productive people respond quickly. Lazy, chaotic people reply late.
If you’re going to a small party, do not arrive on time. But if you’re going to a large party where you don’t know anyone, go early. It’s easier to find someone new to talk to in a small crowd than in a big crowd.
Always introduce people who are in a conversation or who you think may have something in common.
Never name-drop unless it’s a funny, self-deprecating story.
Host couples should be seated at different tables so more people feel as if they’re at a good table.
Never ask your guests to take off their shoes.
Never give “a tour” unless people insist. And if they insist, don’t show the bathrooms.
If you want out of a conversation, you can say, “Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer."
Never do dishes while your guests are still at the table.
If you’re fit and capable and see a woman alone with a stroller on the subway stairs, offer to help out.
Buy the churros on the subway.
Source (with breakdowns of each)