Week 5
by Joe · 49 things on Twos
- Whale, whale, whale - week 5. Nobody panic, but we are already a quarter through the regular season.
- Those of you in the 1-3 range should be looking into trade options to stop the bleeding.
- To the guys in the 2-2 range, limbo is almost worse than knowing you suck. Don't get complacent, take a look at the holes in your roster, and make moves.
- For the elite 3-1 teams (myself included) you're doing great sweetie (except Jack - I'd panic if I were Jack)
- Let's rank some teams...
- Power Rankings
- Ass ETN Szn
- Welp. Can't say I'm surprised. Some people have high fantasy football IQ and their year-over-year performances reflect just that. While Ass ETN szn scored 3rd highest in points, to me it's more about grit, consistency, and a can-do attitude.
- It is also VERY important to highlight the Ass Eaters' amazing GM abilities dealing the stinky stinky Kyle Pitt Stain for TB12's favorite receiver, Mike Evans.
- Jaggin Off
- The defending champ is bringing the heat once again in this year's Duval Degens League. The San Fran D scoring 22 points didn't hurt in his 25-point victory over the Russian Colluders, but neither did his RB1/2 scoring 54 total points.
- That being said, Sam started Miles Sanders who single-handedly beat down our beloved jaguars and deserves to be punished. A number 2 decision for the number 2 team.
- It can't get any worse
- Moving up the table, still not getting covered. Here are some options I am thinking of for the punishment. All of these must be recorded.
- Tell your boss you have to go home because you shit yourself
- Eat gas station food every meal for 3 days
- Shotgun a beer every morning for 7 days
- Duval Deadheads
- I am a fair and reasonable commissioner who makes fair and reasonable power rankings.
- As many of you may know, Gimbel has the MOST points in this year's league. But has gone up against the highest point scorer every week.
- If Josh Allen and Cooper Kupp can get back to being the best at what they do, I have no doubt this team can turn it around.
- This week the Deadheads take on the lowest point scorer of week 7 in Jack's team which will 100% define whether this team is gonna flash or trash.
- Russian Colluders
- The Russians have faced some formidable opponents and have gotten the short end of the stick a couple of times. But it is clear that Diminitiviry is a player who is looking to play.
- I will say, he also has some glaring holes on his roster as well. Matt Stafford is a shell of his former self, Najee Harris is nowhere to be found, and we all know that Zeke hasn't been showing up to play ever since he got paid.
- The Russians take on the big bad commish (and current #1 seed) this weekend which will be a must-win for this 2-2 team
- Was Gabbert Worth It?
- Contrary to popular belief, scoring the least points in the league, losing one of your starters to a season-ending injury, and starting the QB going against the jags are NOT good things.
- Considering Jack was at the top of the table last week, still has C McCaff, and Josh Jacobs on the bench, I will graciously put him at the
- Jagsonville Jackuars
- Jake went up against the toughest opponent in week 4 and was properly demolished. Did it make me happy? Yes. Would I do it again? Also yes.
- Carson Wentz stinks, stank, and stunk. Gotta move on if you want to move up in these power rankings.
- Derrick Henry and Saquon still look good and Deebo is the best player in the league (go cocks) so I'm not worried about Jake going forward. But he won't be beating me anytime soon.
- Vinegar Strokes
- Besides Justin Jefferson (who is a bonafide stud) Schuster's team is about as exciting as his love life.
- Aiyuk still sucks, Mack Hollins is a complete dud, and Cordarrelle is going to be out for the foreseeable future.
- Now I'm just as happy as the next guy that Schu has found his boo (wedding hashtag idea) but it's time to focus in on what's actually important in life. Fantasy football.
- Lambos Attorney
- Thomas SQUEEZED out a win over Matt in week 4 but that is not saying much.
- Rodgers has no one to throw to, Doug Pederson is showing Urban Meyer qualities totally fucking JRob over (at least in the rain), and the QB problem in Pittsburgh is proving to be quite the problem for their receivers.
- I've said it before and I'll say it again if Thomas wants a chance at the cheddar at the end of the season, he's gonna need to defend himself and start prosecuting other teams for assets. Don't know if that makes any sense but I know they are legal terms.
- November 14th, 2010
- Somebody call the police because there has been a trade rape. Poor Kyle Pitts is an embarrassment of a UF alum. But I guess most UF alum are.
- Now his hammy is hurt, we can't be sure if he will play in week 5, or ever again for that matter.
- Besides Pitts, 4 of Matt's 10 starters scored less than 10 points and his bench didn't do much better. If Matt is gonna figure out how to stay out of the bottom of the barrell, he's gonna need to make more moves - just try to not get raped.
- Sorry for not getting this out sooner team - as your commish I hold only myself accountable for your weekly entertainment.
- This league is of upmost importance to me because fuck my company, livelihood, and free-time. I'm here for you guys and you guys only.
- Happy Thursday, Fuck the Texans, and I love you,
- Joe