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Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi

Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi

by Parker · 279 things on Twos

"Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone." - Margaret Wheatley
When you help others, they often help you
Success in any field, but especially in business, is about working with people, not against them
I thought of "networking" as connecting—sharing my knowledge and resources, time and energy, friends and associates, and empathy and compassion in a continual effort to provide value to others, while coincidentally increasing my own
Real networking is about finding ways to make other people more successful. It is about working hard to give more than you get
Stop keeping score
"There is no such thing as a "self-made" man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success." - George Burton Adams
I'll sum up the key to success in one word: generosity
You've got to be more than willing to accept generosity. Often, you've got to go out and ask for it
Until you become as willing to ask for help as you are to give it, however, you are only working half the equation
Connecting. It's a constant process of giving and receiving—of asking for and offering help. By putting people in contact with one another, by giving your time and expertise and sharing them freely, the pie gets bigger for everyone
A network functions precisely because there's recognition of mutual need. There's an implicit understanding that investing time and energy in building personal relationships with the right people will pay dividends
First you have to stop keeping score
You can't amass a network of connections without introducing such connections to others with equal fervor. The more people you help, the more help you'll have and the more help you'll have helping others
"Who do you know in the <industry> world that I can talk to for some advice about breaking into the industry? You know any people who'd be open for a short lunch?"
"I'm thinking about transitioning into the <industry name> industry at some point. Is there anyone you know who you think could lend some helpful advice?"
"Great, I'd love to meet her, is there any chance of arranging a quick introduction? Maybe you could pass on an e-mail?"
Relationships are more like muscles—the more you work them, the stronger they become
Ask people "How can I help you?"
Relationships are solidified by trust. Institutions are built on it. You gain trust by asking not what people can do for you, but what you can do for others
Experience will not save you in hard times, nor will hard work or talent. If you need a job, money, advice, help, hope, or a means to make a sale, there's only one surefire, fail-safe place to find them—within your extended circle of friends and associates
It's better to give before you receive. And never keep score. If your interactions are ruled by generosity, your rewards will follow suit
Each of us is now a brand
Your relationships with others are your finest, most credible expression of who you are and what you have to offer. Nothing else compares
Contribute. Give your time, money, and expertise to your growing community of friends
What's your mission?
The more specific you are about what you want to do, the easier it becomes to develop a strategy to accomplish it
Steps to set goals
Step One: Find Your Passion
A goal is a dream with a deadline
What do you truly love? What you're good at? What you want to accomplish in life? What are the obstacles that are stopping you?
Most people accept what they "should" be doing, rather than take the time to figure out what they want to be doing
There's an intuitive knowledge of what she or he wants most in life. We only have to look for it
Look inside
Do an internal review without constraints, without doubts, fears, and expectations of what you "should" be doing. You have to be able to set aside the obstacles of time, money, and obligation
Look outside
Ask the people who know you best what they think your greatest strengths and weaknesses are. Ask them what they admire about you and what areas you may need help in
Our achievements grow according to the size of our dreams and the degree to which we are in touch with our mission
Coming up with goals, updating them, and monitoring our progress in achieving them is less important, I believe, than the process of emotionally deciding what it is you want to do
Step Two: Putting Goals to Paper
Networking Action Plan
The first part is devoted to the development of the goals that will help you fulfill your mission.
List what you'd like to accomplish three years from today
Then work backward in both one-year and three-month increments to develop mid- and short-term goals that will help reach your mission
Under each time frame, create an "A" and a "B" goal that will meaningfully contribute to where you want to be three years from now
The second part is devoted to connecting those goals to the people, places, and things that will help you get the job done.
The third part helps you determine the best way to reach out to the people who will help you to accomplish your goals
Connecting with others really just involves having a predetermined plan and carrying it out
Once you have your plan, post it in a place (or places) where you will see it on a regular basis. Share your goals with others
There are hidden opportunities waiting to be accessed in everyone if you just tell them what you want
Your goals must be specific
Know what steps you'll take to achieve your goal, the date by which it will be accomplished, and the measurement you'll use to gauge whether you've achieved the goal or not
Your goals must be believable
If you don't believe you can reach them, you won't
Your goals must be challenging and demanding
Step out of your comfort zone; set goals that require risk and uncertainty
Step Three: Create a Personal "Board of Advisors"
It helps to have an enlightened counselor, or two or three, to act as both cheerleader and eagle-eyed supervisor, who will hold you accountable
Change is hard. You might lose friends, encounter seemingly insur- mountable obstacles, and face the most troubling hurdle of all— your own self-doubt
Growth comes only from change. And change comes only from new goals
Reaching your goals can be difficult. But if you have goals to begin with, a realizable plan to achieve them, and a cast of trusted friends to help you, you can do just about anything
As an undergraduate at Georgetown, the forty-second president, Bill Clinton, made it a nightly habit to record, on index cards, the names and vital information of every person whom he'd met that day
Clinton doesn't just recall your personal information; he uses the information as a means to affirm a bond with you
The more specific you are about where you want to go in life, the easier it becomes to develop a networking strategy to get there
Be sensitive to making a real connection in your interactions with others
You can become, and remain, charming and popular when you treat everyone you meet with sincerity
People who have the largest circle of contacts, mentors, and friends know that you must reach out to others long before you need anything at all
You can only truly gain someone's trust and commitment little by little over time
The law of probability ensures that the more new people you know, the more opportunities will come your way and the more help you'll get at critical junctures in your career
"Seize this very minute; what you can do, or dream you can, begin it; Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
It never hurts to ask
People with a low tolerance for risk, whose behavior is guided by fear, have a low propensity for success
The worst anyone can say is no. If they choose not to give their time or their help, it's their loss
A networker isn't looking to achieve only a single successful union
Creating an enriching circle of trusted relationships requires one to be out there, in the mix, all the time
Mustering the audacity to talk with people who don't know me often simply comes down to balancing the fear I have of embarrassment against the fear of failure and its repercussions. For my father, either he asked or his family didn't have. For me, I either ask or I'm not successful. That fear always overrides my anxiety about rejection or being embarrassed
The choice isn't between success and failure; it's between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity
"There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars." - Mark Twain
The best way to deal with this anxiety is to first acknowledge that our fear is perfectly normal. You are not alone. The second thing is to recognize that getting over that fear is critical to your success. The third is to commit to getting better
Find a role model
Learn to speak
Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week
Fear debilitates. Once you realize there's no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person—no matter how seemingly beyond your reach—becomes an opportunity to succeed
Before you can speak persuasively—that is, before you speak from a position of passion and personal knowledge—you need to know where you stand
Do you understand that it's your team's accomplishments, and what they do because of you, not for you, that will generate your mark as a leader?
We vote for the people we like and respect. Great companies are built by CEOs who inspire love and admiration. In today's world, mean guys finish last
We live in a new "abundance of choice in business" in everything from products to career paths. Choice spells doom for difficult colleagues and leaders. At a time when more of us have more options than ever, there's no need to put up with a product or service that doesn't deliver, a company that we don't like, or a boss whom we don't respect
Make sure you have something to offer when you speak, and offer it with sincerity
All of which reveals an inner truth about the skill of reaching out to others: Those who are best at it don't network—they make friends
"Spectacular achievement is always preceded by spectacular preparation." - Robert H. Schuller
Whom you meet, how you meet them, and what they think of you afterward should not be left to chance
"Preparation is—if not the key to genius—then at least the key to sounding like a genius" - Winston Churchill
All people naturally care, generally above and beyond anything else, about what it is they do
"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." - William James
Going to a meeting without Googling someone is unacceptable
"Influentials": the early adopters, journalists, and industry analysts that help spread the initial buzz about a product or service
If you're organized, focused, and a stickler for taking names, there's no one that's out of reach
It's all about attitude
You're never going to be completely ready to meet new people; there is no perfect moment. Your fears will never be completely quieted, because inviting rejection is never going to be appealing. There are always a hundred reasons to procrastinate. The trick is to just plunge right in
You have to envision yourself winning to win
You have to view getting to know new people as a challenge and an opportunity. The very idea should spark your competitive fires, silencing the wallflower in all of us that shies away from socially adventuresome behavior
Frequently, people won't get back to you. You have to put your ego aside and persist in calling or writing
Someone who is busy is more likely to pick up their own phone at 8:00 A.M. or 6:30 P.M. Plus, they're probably less stressed out since they're not facing typical nine-to-five pressures
Four rules for warm calling: 1) Convey credibility by mentioning a familiar person or institution. 2) State your value proposition. 3) Impart urgency and convenience by being prepared to do whatever it takes whenever it takes to meet the other person on his or her own terms. 4) Be prepared to offer a compromise that secures a definite follow-up at a minimum
Tell people who you are, what's your company, what your company stands for, who your customers are, what your company is offering, what your company's reputation is, and then why you are talking to them
When you mention someone both of you have in common, all of a sudden the person you're calling has an obligation not only to you but also to the friend or associate you just mentioned
Remember, it's all about them. What can you do for them?
Selling is solving another person's problems
Instead of closing with "We should get together some time soon," I like to finalize with something like "I'm going to be in town next week. How about lunch on Tuesday? I know this is going to be important for both of us, so I'll make time no matter what."
You will need to provide enough information about your value proposition to make the person want to spend some time talking. But also, don't talk too much. If you launch into a long sales pitch without finding out the other person's thoughts, you can turn them off immediately
Don't ever talk at someone. Give them time to come along with you
Deals are made face-to-face
Take as little time as possible in your cold call to ensure that the next time you speak to them it's in their office, or better yet, over some linguine and wine
In any informal negotiation, you go big at the outset, leaving room for compromise and the ability to ratchet down for an easier close. Try for a lot—it will help you settle for what it is you really need
Always respect the gatekeeper's power. Treat them with the dignity they deserve. If you do, doors will open for you to even the most powerful decision makers. Acknowledge their help. Thank them by phone, flowers, a note
Keep your social and conference and event calendar full. As an up-and-comer, you must work hard to remain visible and active among your ever-budding network of friends and contacts
Behind any successful person stands a long string of failures. But toughness and tenacity like Lincoln's can overcome these setbacks. Lincoln knew the only way to gain ground, to move forward, to turn his goals into reality, was to learn from his set- backs, to stay engaged, and press on
Shared interests are the basic building blocks of any relationship
Friendship is created out of the quality of time spent between two people, not the quantity
When we are truly passionate about something, it's contagious. Our passion draws other people to who we are and what we care about. Others respond by letting their guard down. Which is why sharing your passion is important in business
When you meet someone with whom you want to establish a relationship, take the extra little step to ensure you won't be lost in their mental attic by following up
Follow-up is the key to success in any field
Why go to all the trouble of meeting new people if you're not going to work on making them a part of your life?
In a follow-up, always reiterate the commitments everyone has made, and asks when a second follow-up meeting can be arranged
Always express your gratitude.
Be sure to include an item of interest from your meeting or conversation—a joke or a shared moment of humor.
Reaffirm whatever commitments you both made—going both ways.
Be brief and to the point.
Always address the thank-you note to the person by name. Use e-mail and snail mail. The combination adds a personalized touch.
Timeliness is key. Send them as soon as possible after the meeting or interview.
Many people wait until the holidays to say thank you or reach out. Why wait? Your follow-ups will be timelier, more appropriate, and certainly better remembered.
Don't forget to follow up with those who have acted as the go-between for you and someone else. Let the original referrer know how the conversation went, and express your appreciation for their help.
Giving speeches is one of the easiest and most effective ways to get yourself, your business, and your ideas seen, heard of, and remembered
Say something inspiring or insightful to the guests
Toastmasters International provides a forum for the development of speaking skills
Study after study shows that the more speeches one gives, the higher one's income bracket tends to be
How do you become a speaker at a conference? First, you need something to say: You need content. You need to develop a spiel about the niche you occupy. In fact, you can develop a number of different spiels, catering to a number of different audiences
Be sure to introduce yourself, tell people what company you work for, what you do, and then ask a question that leaves the audience buzzing
A commando knows that you have to get people to like you first. The sales come later—in the follow-up discussions you have after the conference. Now is the time to begin to build trust and a relationship
Personal contacts are the key to opening doors
Acquaintances represent a source of social power, and the more acquaintances you have, the more powerful you are
If you are sharing someone else's circle of friends, be sure that you adequately acknowledge the person who ushered you into this new world, and do so in all the subsequent connections that they helped foster. Never forget the person who brought you to the dance
Conversation is an acquired skill. If you have the determination and the proper information, just like any other skill, it can be learned
The more successfully you use language, the faster you can get ahead in life
The goal of small talk is simple: Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond, and leave with the other person thinking, "I dig that person"
When it comes to making an impression, differentiation is the name of the game
There's one guaranteed way to stand out in the professional world: Be yourself
Vulnerability is one of the most underappreciated assets in business today
Power, today, comes from sharing information, not withholding it
Not many secrets are worth the energy required to keep them secret
The issues we all care most about are the issues we all want to talk about most
Be honest, open, and vulnerable enough to genuinely allow other people into your life so that they can be vulnerable in return
Every conversation you have is an invitation to risk revealing the real you. What's the worst that can happen? They don't respond in kind. So what. They probably weren't worth knowing in the first place. But if the risk pays off, well, now you've just turned a potentially dull exchange into something interesting or even perhaps personally insightful—and more times than not, a real relationship is formed
Charm is simply a matter of being yourself. Your uniqueness is your power
The surest way to become special in others' eyes is to make them feel special
The Johari Window is a model that provides insight into how much people reveal of themselves. Some people are introverted, revealing little; they keep their window relatively closed. Other people are extroverted, revealing a great deal and keeping their windows open
Be aware of the different styles at play and adapt to the person we're talking with
"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." - William James
Seek first to understand, then to be understood
We're often so worried about what we're going to say next that we don't hear what's being said to us now
Take the initiative and be the first person to say hello. This demonstrates confidence and immediately shows your interest in the other person
Always, always, remember the other person's name. Nothing is sweeter to someone's ears than their own name
Turning Connections into Compatriots
What do you really want?
Our strength comes from what we do and know cumulatively. The fact is, no one gets ahead in this world without a lot of help
The only way to get people to do anything is to recognize their importance and thereby make them feel important. Every person's deepest lifelong desire is to be significant and to be recognized
Loyalty means staying true to someone through thick and thin
"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There are three things in this world that engender deep emotional bonds between people. They are health, wealth, and children
When you help someone through a health issue, positively impact someone's personal wealth, or take a sincere interest in their children, you engender life-bonding loyalty
The highest human need is for self-actualization— the desire to become the best you can be
Start with the philosophy, the worldview, that every human is an opportunity to help and be helped
Stop driving yourself—and everyone else—crazy thinking about how to make yourself successful. Start thinking about how you're going to make everyone around you successful
Don't wait to be asked. Just help
You can be more successful in two months by becoming really interested in other people's success than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in your own success
If 80 percent of success is, as Woody Allen once said, just showing up, then 80 percent of building and maintaining relationships is just staying in touch
All successful people are planners. They think on paper. Failing to plan, as they say, is planning to fail
People don't only hire people they like, they hire people that they think can make them and their companies better
To move others, you have to speak beyond yourself. Boldly putting yourself out there was one thing, and a good thing, but that wasn't enough. There was a difference between getting attention and getting attention for your desire to change the world
You have to believe in something for people to believe in you
Create a story about your company and the ideas it embodies that readers will care about. That's your content. Then share it. Have you ever picked up the phone and actually talked to a reporter about why you think what you do is so special? You cannot outsource this to PR; journalists deal with thousands of PR people a day. Who's going to be more passionate and more informed than you? You're the expert on what you do
If what you do can be done by anyone, there will always be someone willing to do it for less
The one thing no one has figured out how to outsource is the creation of ideas. You can't replace people who day in and day out offer the kind of content or unique ways of thinking that promise their company an edge
The trick is not to work obsessively on the skills and talents you lack, but to focus and cultivate your strengths so that your weaknesses matter less
Ten tips to help you become an expert
Get out in front and analyze the trends and opportunities on the cutting edge
Identify the people in your industries who always seem to be out in front, and use all the relationship skills you've acquired to connect with them
Get online and read, read, read. Subscribe to magazines, buy books, and talk to the smartest people you can find
All this knowledge will build on itself, and you'll start making connections others aren't
Ask seemingly stupid questions
If you ask questions that are like no other, you get results that are unlike any that the world has seen
Know yourself and your talents
Apply the 80/20 rule in that you should spend some time getting better at your weaknesses but really focus on building your strengths
Always learn
You have to learn more to earn more
Your program of self-development should include reading books and magazines, listening to educational tapes, attending three to five conferences a year, taking a course or two, and developing relationships with the leaders in your field
Stay healthy
You have to take care of yourself—your body, mind, and spirit—to be at your best
Expose yourself to unusual experiences
Take a deep and boundless curiosity about things outside your own profession and comfort zone