Week 14
by Joe · 63 things on Twos
- To everyone except Culler, Thomas, Matt, and Jack. Welcome to the playoffs. Playoffs are when boys become men while we look down and laugh upon the losers playing their way out of the league punishment.
- It’s been a long season but you all stood the test of time and brought your lunch pale to work - day in, day out.
- Now I’m not saying that the commissioner’s emails have been directly relatable to participation in the Duval Degens league, but that is exactly what I’m saying. You’re welcome.
- Do not forget, loser of the toilet bowl must perform at next seasons destination draft until they earn $50 in tips or 1 hour of playtime. Whichever occurs first. So set your lineups, don’t lose, and you won’t get punished.
- For the winners in the group payouts are as follows… $350 for first, $100 for second, and $50 for third place. Good luck to all.
- Let’s see how we got here and rank some teams…
- 10. JihadWardDPOY
- I’m going to put as much effort into Thomas’ ranking as he has the second half of this season. None.
- Thomas has lost every week (8 games) since he got a new gf. He also dropped OBJ for Viska.
- 9. Culler Rush
- In one of the biggest falls from grace this league has seen, Culler missed out on the playoffs by 4.3 points.
- Ever since his work horse D Henry was taken out, Culler has struggled to put the pieces back together. Culler also refused to drop Henry so he could start someone over Scary Terry who laid a goose egg in week 14, which is scary indeed.
- Culler will be playing a HOT JYstephens in the first round of the toilet bowl. Let’s hope he can figure it out and prevent being our inaugural loser.
- Also, knowing Culler means I know he is the flakiest of the flakes. So IF he loses and IF flakey mcflakerson is being a flake, the commissioner will do what he must to make sure the people get the punishment they deserve.
- 8. Intentional Pounding
- What looked like a turned around season when he needed it most has now resulted in a toilet bowl appearance for everyone’s favorite international boy.
- I can’t imagine how many times Matt must’ve gone to sleep thinking he had a win in the bag just to wake up in London Town disappointed.
- Matt missed out on the playoffs by a mere 21 points in week 14 and 54 points over the season.
- Was Patty Mahomes the worst pick of the draft from a fantasy perspective? Did Kyle Pitts fail to live up to expectations in his rookie season? Yes.
- 7. Team Jystephens
- Listen, freak accidents happen. Team JYStephens did what most people asked Santa for Christmas and took down the big bad commish.
- That being said - too little, too late.
- Jack missed out on the playoffs by 1 win and ~90 points which has landed him in the toilet bowl. Thank god tbh.
- This team has hit it’s stride and could be a dark horse for a championship run, only problem is he won’t get the chance.
- The same team that complained about being ranked #6 vs #5 in the meant-to-be-fun power rankings has now landed in the bottom four.
- Expect Jack to come back with a vengeance next year. But that’s the point, he’ll have to wait.
- Oh yeah, and happy birthday you filthy animal.
- 6. Green Bay Bortles
- KING of the undesirables and getting rewarded for his BIG win totals over the season in weeks 3, 4, 11, & 13 which has now put him in the playoffs in a points for tie breaker over team intentional pounding and CullerRush.
- Jake has defied the odds on the back of Chris Godwin, Justin Jefferson, and rotating his QB like an NFL GM.
- As stated before, Jake made the playoffs by 4.3 points and it all came down to Monday night. Love the fight, love the drama, love his story.
- The only disappointing part is Jake’s run will be short lived bc he plays the big bad commish in the first round of the playoffs. Commish is coming off a loss and got ALL his waiver wire pickups. Let’s see how this shakes out for the shart head.
- 5. Duval Deadheads
- Say what you will but the Duval Deadheads but they won when it mattered most. Ending his season on a 2 game win streak on the backs of Alvin Kamara returning and Tyler Lockett, this team was ranked #9 overall in week 12 but snuck his way into the playoffs.
- The deadheads had lost a little hope when the Seahawks started struggling down the stretch but he has been KING of the waiver wire and is coming into the playoffs with a stacked roster and bench.
- The deadheads had lost a little hope when the Seahawks started struggling down the stretch but he has been KING of the waiver wire and is coming into the playoffs with a stacked roster and bench.
- 4. Joey Freshwater
- Joey Freshwater has been one of the hottest teams of the back half of the season. Like when he woke up from his coma, Schuster has won 5 of his last 6 and secured the #4 seed.
- Despite having losing the #1 overall pick McCaff Daddy to IR and Urban Meyer suffocating James Robinson - Joey Freshwater has survived adversity and earned his right to play for the trophy.
- What people AREN’T talking about is how Freshwater has now passed the commish in least amount of points scored against him this season. Not deflecting, just speaking facts.
- We will see how he fares against the deadheads in round 1.
- 3. No Time 4 Stalin
- This sneaky sneaky Soviet secured the #2 seed and first round bye by 2 points - 2!!
- What people don’t realize is this is fantasy football so byes don’t mean shit. You don’t actually get to rest your guys, they’re still gonna be pounding their heads against the grass.
- That being said, no time for Stalin did a good job this week getting the bare minimum out of his absolute power house team.
- Between Clyde Edwards Helaire, Tyreek Hill, and Stefon Diggs this team should have no problem bulldozing over whoever they play in round 2.
- Would be a shame if he weren’t able to meet his expectations.
- 2. Jaggin Off
- Sam beat Schuster by 5 points bc Van Jefferson sucks and the bills don’t run the football.
- Kittle also appears to be the only offensive player worth a damn on the 49ers. But if you wanted a hot take? This team ain’t shit.
- I expect that Sam won’t make it through the second round bc he’s charmin ultra soft. Strong as a wet paper bag. Waiting to crumble.
- And before anyone says that I am just bitter, well duh.
- Enjoy the bye, your small brain will need all the rest it can get.
- Call me commish
- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, freak accidents happen. The 2021 Jaguars beat the Buffalo Bills, Donald trump became president, and the commish missed out on a first week bye despite scoring 162 points in week 14 to the bottom of the barrel, Team JYStephens.
- I won’t speak about how it’s been me vs the league all season or how I’ve seen Cooper Kupp and James Conner in my nightmares for the past 2 nights, what I will say is it is CLEAR team call me commish can put up POINTS.
- Rodgers is slinging it, Adams is catching it, and Travis Kelce will return to his former glory.
- I’m sure people will be scratching their head at how I have the audacity to keep myself at the top of the power rankings but I’ll tell you how, persistence, consistency, and GRIT.
- No Time for Stalin hung onto the #2 seed by a mere 2 points, Sam snuck out a win at the last minute, and if you don’t like it - you can shut me up by getting me out.
- It’s been a great season. Let’s see if the playoffs live up to the hype. Six will enter, only one will win it all and claim the title of ultimate Degen.
- Thank you all for your continued effort.
- Go jags.
- Love, joe