Sammy Facts
by Joe · 188 things on Twos
- Sam gets his toe back
- Graduated 5 years ago today
- Atlanta
- People that don’t value you
- Buy PFE Now Double Your Money in 5 Years
- Congaree National Park Planning
- Movies I Want to See
- Steezy Sam
- “I still can’t believe doja cat didn’t show us her boobs 😔”
- “I love how the first ‘marathon’ was a Greek guy dying of exhaustion so to honor him people do it for fun to show what an unfit piece of garbage he was”
- Sam was especially funny on 10/18/21
- “I just ate a caesar salad and now I’m pissed off”
- Braveheart: Sam’s favorite movie
- I woke up today to get ready for work and the first thing that crossed my mind was how much I fucking hate my life
- Sam has a mom/milk fetish
- I’m afraid that these kids getting vr headsets at like 10 years old won’t be able to adjust to life outside the Metaverse
- We will become an AI dependent zombie race able to be taken over with ease. I feel like it’s inevitable at this point tbh.
- And none of it is REAL
Pain is real
Suffering is real
Anguish is real
- This is why instead of joining vr I will stay in the real world and continue supporting the jaguars. Nothing makes me feel more alive than hitting the lowest of lows
- “I’ll dunk on a bitch any day of the week”
- The first “Duval” of 2022
- Sam wins a twos merch item in the holiday giveaway and $350 for getting 1st place in the Inagural Duval Degens league
- I appreciate the input but soupy sammy is the perfect name for me
It’s a long running joke since early highschool that I was way too clammy to be a human so soupy sam really just fits my persona
Literally in highschool one of my first weeks there I dapped a kid up that I barely knew and he actually freaked out and screamed “gross your hands are so sweaty”
So the joke has it all. Truth, shame, and childhood trauma
- "I’ll tattoo it on my first born" in reference to our new t-shirt design
- I eat like 3 Philly cheesesteaks a week
- "I just want chicken"
- In regards to KFC offering beyond chicken now
- Sammy VV (vineyard vines)
- “I’m gonna take a shit and hopefully it kills me”
- “I question everyone culler. Reason why? I’m smarter than everyone. It’s as simple as this”
- Women really do go through life on easy mode. Like this chick fucked a coach and now has a job in an sec football program. If I try to fuck a chick for a job I get canceled and arrested
- What happened to society?
- When I was 7 I cried after Brady won the super bowl. Been wanting him out of the league ever since
- Anything that enables me to be lazy I can’t have. Because I will just be a piece of garbage.
- Sammy Stache 9.2/10
- I don’t like zelle because I have to login to my banking app which makes me very sad always
- Sam suggested that I order Red Lobster from Uber Eats. Literally the worst suggestion I have ever heard.
- Too straight for the gays, too frat for covid
- Jumping off a bridge
- Oh no. He’s vibing.
- I'd read some hyper-nerdy analytics thing on H-back flexibility, and the general conclusion was that the real edge in having an H-back kind of player is having a player who is a capable receiver, who can also play RB. The reasoning is, even at the highest of levels of receiving back, the CMCs, the Kamaras, the Ekkelers, they're just not as effective as a WR would be at running those routes. So when you're targeting them, you'd actually be more productive targeting a WR. But, if you can get a WR who can also slip into the backfield, well, then you've succeeded in creating a personnel grouping that is troubling to opposing defenses, and you can create coverage mismatches. If you can find multiple weapons like that, you're really throwing a wrench in the works for defensive game-calling and coverages.
- Ideally, if Étienne is actually competent at playing receiver (which if you see his involvement in the deep passing game at Clemson is actually not that unlikely), then you have him and Shenault, and you can play with passing concepts and motion to try and dictate the box and coverages... Like I said, conceptually and theoretically, kinda looking at the draft and what are Meyer's philosophies, we could really bring a cutting-edge offense to the league with Lawrence at its' helm. It's pretty rad. I think Sam Monson wrote a PFF article saying that this might very well be what will be happening in Jacksonville, and I am all for it.
- Happy Father’s Day
- This may just be an absolutely stupid question but why can’t money just be money
Like why is the norm to take that money and put it into things that tank so that you don’t have money
But like if you don’t invest you’re seen as some idiot
Even tho if I had never invested and just kept money in my account I’d be much more rich than I am today
- Drip
- Hey my name is Sam and I’m pumped for the wedding! I’m a 6ft tall former high school athlete (heavy emphasis on former) and love to smoke weed and order ubereats. I’ve been approved for a visa credit card before and am now allowed near public parks and schools thanks to my lawyers. Lets have some fun!
- I just found out if you wanna murder someone go to the part of Yellowstone NP that is in Idaho. There is a legal loop hole where they can’t punish you whether guilty or innocent because they have to get a jury of citizens of the state and district, but that area of Idaho is completely uninhabited. Without a legitimate jury they can’t provide a legitimate trial, so they can’t punish you whether guilty or innocent. In theory at least. I’m not sure I want to test it but pretty interesting.
- Sunday at 5:30pm in Granby
- Getting asked if I want a shot on the side of my ipa before 11am on a weekday. Ordered a screwdriver and basically got a water glass filled with ketel. Minnesota is sick and I’m gonna be blacked when lingle lands
- My cousin slings commercial in Boca and it sounds super chill
- Power=out
Thunder=rolling
Lightning=striking
Toe=leaking
Covid=positive
I’d be lying if I told you I was in a good place rn
- Hot take: give me the ran through girl. I want a whore.
- Sam hates my ex, Heather
- It may be dumb but I’ve lost all faith in doctors. People spend way too much time and money trying not to die going to doctors. Meanwhile life is passing them by at an alarming rate.
- Apparently, Portugal was part of Galicia and Leon and they rebelled in 1128 and the leader of that proclaimed himself “King of Portugal” in 1139. Independence was recognized in 1143
- [Ralphie the Buffalo from CO] deserves a pretty name like Beatrice the Buffalo
- “We are not the same people we were yesterday”
- Boj
- Sam picked Cordarelle Patterson with the second overall pick in the 2022 City of Dreams draft
- In response to “people forget God is the commissioner of life”
- “Yea if he doesn’t like what you’re doing he is gonna send a hoard of molly addicted stompers for your toe”
- “I’m just thinking of all these life events that I’m just not gonna have a toe and it’s making me pretty sad”
- 09/08/22: death of Queen Elizabeth
- Potential love interest < da boys
- Not going to italy
- Compared Tom and Gisele’s divorce to Tony Roe; Tony Roe now living with Waelde
- After being bamboozled by a fake report of Joe Biden's fantasy league: "The damage control I’m attempting rn is insane. Like I may have to leave work early tbh I may dm pft and tell him how he has ruined my social standing for the foreseeable"
- Got a raise and restructured commission today!
- Sam has committed to swimming in the mountains of Virginia at Mike’s lake house. We tried to tell him - he didn’t want to listen.
- I’m going to a dank restaurant so I’m betting on a good meal!
- The State Farm marketing we need
- Steve Jobs Slut
- I’ve been staring at a “coverage has ended” screen for 10 min (Southampton loses to Newcastle)
- Hot dog with coleslaw
- Mark believes in me more than anyone I’ve ever met and I really do appreciate that brother
- I miss when only whites could use the water fountains and athletes stuck to being athletes. The good ol days. *Satire*
- I’m in a soccer jersey and gym shorts and I’m fucking SWEATING getting these last few bites of stuffin down
- Family: “let’s all go on a walk!”
Me sitting alone at the table still eating: im gonna kill myself
- I’ve realized with my age and wisdom that the only state that should be shit on for being awful is Kansas. Every other state has something to offer.
- My hot water heater froze so I just had to take an ice cold shower and I swear I almost blacked out
- Confirmed Christmas lover
- “But I was at Walmart and was like “you know what would be sick? Eating mangos and getting baked.” So that’s what’s going on
- Sam checked in to his Madrid flight and realized he had a middle seat - said he would ask the lady at the counter for an upgrade. When I asked if he’d be willing to lay $400+ on that, he said “Fuck no - I’d probably draw the line at $40”
- On Poe’s Tavern “Tables turned quick too. Get your beer get your burger and go fuck yourself”
- Bean boy Sam
- CAPYSLAY (Ryanair)
- "Hopefully I can win something in this cruel bitch called life"
- “Lingle and I will lead an insurance/religion/family based 3rd great awakening”
- Sam planning a San Sebastián weekend trip
- Y’all ever get the random thought of like “oh my god I haven’t been going to this class at all and I’m gonna be fucked when an exam happens. Has an exam already happened? Did I miss the fucking exam? I’m gonna fail out of school fuck!” Then realize it’s been 5 years since you were enrolled in any classes and you still have trauma
- Sam thinks beans are a top 5 food
- “Can’t bring sentimentality into an professional sports organization especially in a sport as data driven as baseball”
- "I’m a grown man and will be horny wherever and whenever I want to be"
- Death, taxes, and Sam getting antsy when he doesn't have a trip planned
- Sam has “seen the light” and got a McDouble with onions
- Got Korean corn dogs from Seoul AB’s did not realize they were catering BTS fan army meetup. Was only man there amongst a lot of teenage girls. Pretty uncomfortable
- Chili delivery
- Even tho we can’t buy tickets (to Spain) yet we should still just talk about where we wanna go cuz it’s fun and gives me hope for a better future
- I placed the order for the jacket and then called my dad to confirm dinner with the parents and sister - next to the Belk. Told them I was getting a new jacket but to look out for mine. Turns out my sister has been wearing my jacket all week.
You can’t make this shit up
Oh 🐳 I got two jackets now
And I used capital one cash back so it was basically a free jacket
- Alright I get it. You don’t wanna yurp and in fact you’d prefer if I killed myself
- 50 day streak on Duolingo. Still don’t know Spanish.
- I love [Sam] immediately used the free play.
“What else am I gonna do? It doesn’t accrue interest”
Sammy financè
- They call me Sammy “Can’t Be Bought” Iriart
- Are the bars working? Or have I just had 13 BLs
- People forget Sam’s first name is John
- Dude some guy just told me he wanted to kill his wife….???
“I want to kill her… I want to kill her… I mean I love her… but she’s fucking stupid and it drives me crazy”
Like bro your payment has processed please quit making me an accomplice
- Sammy city slicker: Taking advantage of the middle class and profiting
- Sammy Wrist Candy
- You know what’s gonna be hilarious? Is when one day I meet a fine ass woman and all my friends are calling me Sammy six figures and Sammy wrist candy and she will think she has hit the jackpot until I hit her with the Venmo request for a split chilis triple dipper
- Sam does a practice pack for our UK trip 38 DAYS in advance
- I’m crushing some potato salad as we speak. Really fucking good potato salad. And a bunch of hoagies. I’m in my zone rn. They call me Two Scoops Sammy. Sammy Two Scoops.
- Something I just realized: why the FUCK is a filet o fish not called a McFish??
- “It’s a real shame they don’t have a Walmart out here” - Sam while touring Stonehenge
- “America does pizza better than Italy” - Sam Iriart
- Big Mac, McDouble, mayo chicken, medium fry - Sam's McDonalds order
- OJ Simpson truther
- “Idk man… kids are kinda shitty. You will pour your soul into them and then they will ask for a Justin Herbert jersey for Christmas”
- Nah I’m just a guy that knows some things about some things man
- Hates Kyle Cohen (for calling T Law a ‘big lesbian')
- Sam = doesn’t poop his pants
- “So what I’m hearing is if you want to control your bowels don’t run or hit the gym “
- Woke up at 6am to get Sam and I a spot in line for Jags tickets in Tottenham. Started at queue position 271,000 - went back to bed thinking it was over. Sam finished the job and got us two tickets together in block 530. So pumped.
- “Like I knew I wouldn’t be good at math ever by the age of 6”
- Ungovernable
- "This reminds me of the fat guy who played center for the JV football team I played on. Dude puked multiple times each practice. Then one game we got a really big play and tried to go hurry up and he was so out of shape that by the time he got over the ball to snap it he puked all over the ball and the play was blown dead to replace the ball. So much for hurry up offense!"
- “You can have goat cheese and granola” - Sam when I stopped by Rick Iriart State Farm looking for a snack
- Captain Duval followed me instead of Sam
- Hope-ium>opium
- "Ngl I’ve never been there but I sorta hate the idea of Dubai even existing. It’s a soulless hellscape for rich people to think everything is perfect meanwhile they live in a place with no culture, modern slave labor, and they don’t even apparently have reliable sewage for the kinds of buildings they build."
- "I actually love Muslims! Turkey and Morocco were some of the greatest experiences of my life"
- I love being an hr wet dream
I take considerable pride in snuffing out the State Farm phishing practices
They send em every few days
I wish my full time job could be catching phishing emails
It may be what I was put on this earth to do
- Hey general rule of thumb… ask me for food advice if you want a good time not when you want to make a good long term life choice.
- Likes Teeling Whiskey
- Biking Joe Biden came early! It’s a Yuletide miracle!
- Whiskey Sammy szn
- In relation to FIFA: I play manager mode. Fans depend on me and the board must have their expectations met. Welcome to the real world jackass. It’s not all peaches and cream and vbucks round here bucko
- NYE 2024: “I have no money, no prospects, a fat L, and no plans”
- Is currently "Pissing out of his ass and mouth" in Minnesota
- Sam, in reference to Arby's: "I think you’d hate it but a disgusting guy like me could really get down on a cheddar and beef."
- "I like to think I’d have been a poet or bard back in the old times"
- Has DANK camp chair. Hydraulic rocker. Side table. The works.
- “I’m a bit of a rack purist” in reference to not liking fake boobs
- Got my cpap today boys. From forward I’m hose face man until the day I die
Brutal stuff
Getting a woman to sleep with me was hard enough without this obstacle
- Y'all will all be able to see this contraption in action at marks place
If y'all take pics and make fun of me it will be the last time we ever hangout
- Yea apparently my apnea is in the severe category
30 apnea episodes an hour
I’m gonna take a sleep aid and try to knock out by 10pm
- Also had a red wine glass and a whiskey glass
I was bummed about having to be hose face for the rest of my life and did a little bourbon hunting
- Sammy Credit that’s what they call him
- Sammy loves pissing off the libs
- The George Floyd of insurance
- Sammy learns the true value of his points
- Salient Sammy
- Is stupid and bad at math
- "I was placing an order of bagels for my parents and this place has a Hot Dubai Chocolate Matcha Latte so i ordered it cuz it sounded tasty and fun"
- Update: Dubai Labubu Chocolate 67 Matcha Latte is in fact tasty
- I love Alyssa lang and idc who knows it. A legendary cock
- She makes me wanna cream in kentucky
- Imagine if that was the last message ever sent in here. And yall were all just like “this guy is too weird and horny we gotta start a new group”
- Sammy “Perfect Timing” Shedeur Sanders-Iriart
- Glad we all agree. Now back to Jew racks
- You go to Americus Marconi’s house you’re gonna go home with a minimum of three things you didn’t have before going there
- I’m jacked up on matcha and edibles rn
- I mean in a perfect world I don’t live with the spiders. But I have come to terms. This is my life.
- Bella asked Sam if he had and girl friends they can hang with. His response “only Pamela Henderson”
- Boys
We have a rat problem at the farm
I have killed two this morning
I bludgeoned them with a broom
Then drowned them in the river
Update: I am no longer on an active hunt. We are working smarter and have gotten traps. Leaving the office now and hopefully come back in the morning to a fucking massacre
- Next time the boys link up we are all getting Arby’s
- The mouse king takes not prisoners
- Is it crazy to order priority on uber eats rn?
Dude my priority Chinese order just got pushed back. I’m actually gonna kms
I feel like that’s a sign that I MUST priority
I have a TWENTY dorrar credit from Amex
I hate this sick tech hell that we live in
- No no it’s really cool I’ll just kill myself cuz I’m poor and look like absolute shit. Sam in regards to having to wear a tux at Tom’s wedding.
- l'm really a cool guy with a refined palate and exquisite taste
I appreciate you for being aware of this
- Latina milf cashier at Publix told me I looked like a firefighter and had “the most beautiful stunning eyes”. People are asking if 2026 is the year of the Sam??
- Jungle fever sammy is what they call me
- Call me gay if you want to but I kinda like it when hot women don’t wear a ton of clothes
- Sam and I are becoming pro wrestlers. No additional questions at this time.
- Generally speaking I loathe celebrity spirits… might make an exception for the TAFF (Jon Taffer) tho
- Worst joke night of Sammy’s life
- USA SKATEMAXXING TO GOAL MOG THE CANUCK BETA CUCKS
- I am the court jester, but I have a refined pallet
- I’m big on the AI fruit slop
- “People think I’m lying when I say a Toyota Camry is the only car I’ll ever own for the rest of my life”
- Sammy shit bowl
- You are only in Cincy airport once tho
- Hitting the pre 9am skyline chili breakfast on an empty stomach after a 3 day bender before my flight was a choice
- Kinda sick
- gets on dating app for first time in a while
Hot girl that went to Cornell
swipe right, no match
Ugly (not hot) and BLIND (yes actually blind her eyes didn’t open in any pictures and she had a seeing eye dog) woman
swipes left
“You missed out on a match!”
Alright I think that’s enough of the apps
- Gingy: "…is she just swiping right on everybody or is somebody swiping for her"
- Nephew had hickies on his neck too. He’s lowkey a sicko. Apparently got them from the alt girl who lives on IOP with piercings that vapes