Apologize and use the person's name to add warmth into the interaction to complicate their coldness. Ask open-ended questions that the other side can respond to but have no fixed answers to buy you time. Ask questions that seem to insinuate that the other side is being dishonest and unfair. It’s a passive aggressive approach that wears them out so they give you what you want. We are all crazy, irrational, impulsive, emotionally driven animals. All the raw intelligence and mathematical logic in the world is little help in the fraught, shifting interplay of two people negotiating. We are always an animal, acting and reacting first and foremost from our deeply held but mostly invisible fears, needs, perceptions, and desires. Humans all suffer from cognitive bias, unconscious and irrational brain processes that literally distort the way we see the world. The framing effect is when people respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed. People place greater value on moving from 90% to 100% than 45% to 55%, even though they’re both 10%. Loss aversion shows how people are statistically more likely to act to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain. Universally, people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective way to get there. By listening intensely, you demonstrate empathy and show a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing. In this world, you get what you ask for, you just have to ask correctly. Engage the process with the mindset of discovery. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible. To quite the voice in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. Slow it down. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built. Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem solve. The late night FM DJ voice is used to make a point. Inflect you’re voice downward, keep it calm and slow. You create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defense. The playful positive voice is your default voice. It’s the voice of an easy going, good natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. Relax and smile while you’re talking. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is magic. Mirroring insinuates similarity and facilitates bonding. Empathy is paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world. Creating an empathetic relationship and encouraging your counterpart to expand on their situation is the basis of healthy human interaction. Label your counterparts fears to diffuse their power. List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root. And because these accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true. Pushing people to “yes” makes people defensive. “No” is not a failure. “No” means “wait” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” It is not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning. Negotiate in their world. Get the other party to convince themselves that the solution you want is their own offers. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you. Active listening: 1. Effective pauses. Silence is powerful. Let them talk out the emotions. 2. Minimal encouragement. Use simple phrases, such as “Yes,” “OK,” “I see,” to convert your full attention. 3. Mirroring. Listen and repeat back what is said. 4. Labeling. Name and identify how the other person feels. 5. Paraphrase. Repeat back what was said in your own words. Show you really do understand their concerns. 6. Summerize. Rearticulate the meaning and acknowledge the emotions underlying that meaning. The response should be “that’s right.”. A universal rule of human nature is that when somebody gives you something, they expect something in return. The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of control. Ask calibrated questions that start with the words “How” or “What.” These ask the other party for help and give your counterpart an illusion of control. Only 7 percent of a message is based on the words while 38 percent comes from the tone of voice and 55 percent from the speakers body language and face. The art of closing a deal is staying focused until the very end. Don’t treat people the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated. When someone displays a passion for what we’ve always wanted and conveys a purposeful plan of how to get there, we allow our perceptions of what’s possible to change.