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The Courage To Be Disliked

The Courage To Be Disliked

by Parker · 118 things on Twos

This world is astonishingly simple and life itself is too
We live in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to
The world we all see is different from each other and it’s impossible to share your world with anyone else
The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are
People can change
Teleology is the study of the purpose of s given phenomena, rather than its cause
No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we given them is self determining
The self is determined not by our experiences themselves, but the meaning we give them
People are not driven by past causes but move toward goals that they themselves set
The important thing is not what one is born with it what use one makes of that equipment
When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing
One will have to change. You, just as you are, have to choose your lifestyle. It might seem hard, but it is really quite simple
No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. You, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life
First accept "myself now," then regardless of the outcome have the courage to step forward
Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you focus only on your shortcomings, and why have you decided to not start liking yourself? It's because you are overly afraid of being disliked by other people and getting hurt in your interpersonal relations. You think that instead of getting entangled in such situations, it would be better if you just didn't have relations with anyone in the first place. Your goal is to not get hurt in your relationships with other people. If you can shut yourself into your own shell, you won't have to interact with anyone, and you'll even have a justification ready whenever other people snub you. That it's because of your shortcomings that you get snubbed, and if things weren't this way, you too could be loved
It's basically impossible to not get hurt in your relations with other people. When you enter into interpersonal relationships, it is inevitable that to a greater or lesser extent you will get hurt, and you will hurt someone, too. To get rid of one's problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone. But one can't do such a thing
Being alone isn't what makes you feel lonely. Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them
All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
Please understand that what you are feeling is not an objective inferiority but a subjective feeling of inferiority. Even with an issue like height, it's all reduced to its subjectivity
The feelings of inferiority we're suffering from are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts
There is one good thing about subjectivity: It allows you to make your own choice. Precisely because I am leaving it to subjectivity, the choice to view my height as either an advantage or disadvantage is left open to me
We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world
Value is something based on a social context. A diamond could be worth a lot or is nothing but a little stone
The pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth
Those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people's value systems—they are living other people's lives
The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority
If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn't feel the need to boast. It's because one's feeling of inferiority is strong that one boasts. One feels the need to flaunt one's superiority all the more. There's the fear that if one doesn't do that, not a single person will accept one "the way I am"
The pursuit of superiority is the mindset of taking a single step forward on one's own feet, not the mindset of competition of the sort that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people
Life is not a competition. There is no need to compare oneself with others
All of us are different. Gender, age, knowledge, experience, appearance—no two of us are exactly the same. Let's acknowledge in a positive manner the fact that other people are different from us. And that we are not the same, but we are equal
Instead of treating the child like an adult, or like a child, one must treat him or her like a human being. One interacts with the child with sincerity, as another human being just like oneself
When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way. Withdraw from places that are preoccupied with winning and losing
If there is competition at the core of a person's interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune
Even if you're not a loser, even if you're someone who keeps on winning, if you are someone who has placed himself in competition, you will never have a moment's peace. You don't want to be a loser. You can't trust other people. The world is a perilous place that is overflowing with enemies
You are the only one who's worried how you look
Once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears. One is released from the fear that says, Maybe I will lose. One becomes able to celebrate other people's happiness with all one's heart. One becomes able to contribute actively to other people's happiness. The person who always has the will to help another in times of need—that is someone who may properly be called your comrade
Anger as an expression of a personal grudge is nothing but a tool for making others submit to you
When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer their action with a reaction. That is the only thing we can do
When you are hung up on winning and losing, you lose the ability to make the right choices. It clouds your judgment. It's only when we take away the lenses of competition and winning and losing that we can begin to correct and change ourselves
The two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. The two objectives for the psychology that support these behaviors are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades
Regardless of the kind of work, there is no work that can be completed all by oneself
Instead of waiting for others to change or waiting for the situation to change, take the first step forward yourself
Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart
When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt one's superiority
If two people want to live together on good terms, they must treat each other as equal personailities
There is no need to be recognized by others. One must not seek recognition
It is not necessary to satisfy other people's expectations
If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?
When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people's lives
Do not behave without regard for others
If the main point of your job turns out to be satisfying other people's expectations, then that job is going to be very hard on you. Because you will always be worried about the other people looking at you and fear their judgement, and you are repressing your "I-ness"
It is by knowing what the child is doing that one protects him
Naturally, one gives all the assistance one possibly can. But beyond that, one doesn't intrude
Forcing change while ignoring the person's intentions will only lead to an intense reaction
You are the only one who can change yourself
If you are leading a life of worry and suffering—which stems from interpersonal relationships—learn the boundary of "From here on, that is not my task." And discard other people's tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler
All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you believe in. On the other hand, what kind of judgment do other people pass on that choice? That is the task of other people, and is not a matter you can do anything about
What other people think when they see your face—that is the task of other people and is not something you have any control over
What I should do is face my own tasks in my own life without lying
Destiny is not something brought about by legend, but by clearing away with one's own sword
Intricate knots—the bonds in our interpersonal relationships—are not to be unraveled by conventional methods but must be severed by some completely new approach
One should be ready to lend a hand when needed but not encroach on the person's territory
We must not seek reward, and we must not be tied to it
Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges
If one is living in such a way as to satisfy other people's expectations, and one is entrusting one's own life to others, that is a way of living in which one is lying to oneself and continuing that lying to include the people around one
Intervening in other people's tasks is essentially an egocentric way of thinking
There is no reason of any sort that one should not live one's life as one pleases
An adult who has chosen an unfree way to live, on seeing a young person living freely here and now in this moment, criticizes the youth as being hedonistic. Of course, this is a life-lie that comes out so that the adult can accept his own unfree life. An adult who has chosen real freedom himself will not make such comments and will instead cheer on the will to be free
If one were to say that living like a stone tumbling downhill and allowing such inclinations or desires or impulses to take one wherever they will is "freedom," one would be incorrect. To live in such a way is only to be a slave to one's desires and impulses. Real freedom is an attitude akin to pushing up one's tumbling self from below
Freedom is being disliked by other people. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles
Conducting oneself in a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and it is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one's freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people
Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one's own way of living. One will not be able to be free
Don't go so far as to live in such a way that you will be disliked. Do not engage in wrongdoing
One moves forward without fearing the possibility of being disliked. One does not live as if one were rolling downhill, but instead climbs the slope that lies ahead
Naturally one would make the effort to lead someone to water, but whether he drinks or not is that person's task
A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which one's solde concern is with the "I"
It is necessary to make the switch from "attachment to self" to "concern for others"
Each of us is a member of a community, and that is where we belong. Feeling that one has one's own place of refuge within the community, feeling that "it's okay to be here," and havinng a sense of belonging—these are basic human desires. Whether it is one's studies, work, or friendships, or one's love or marriage, all these things are connected to one' search for places and relationships in which one can feel "it's okay to be here"
The "I" is life's protagonist, but it is never more than a member of the community and a part of the whole
Other people are not living to satisfy your expectations
A sense of belonging is something that one can attain only by making an active commitment to the community of one's own accord, and not simply by being here
One has to stand on one's own two feet, and take one's own steps forward with the tasks of interpersonal relations. One needs to think not, what will this person give me? but rather, what can I give to this person? That is commitment to the community
A sense of belonging is something that one acquires through one's own efforts—it is not something one is endowed with at birth
Living in fear of one's relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people
Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will always be more "you and I," and more "everyone," and larger communities that exist
When one person praises another, the goal is "to manipulate someone who has less ability than you." It is not done out of gratitude or respect
The feeling of inferiority is an awareness that arises within vertical relationships. If one can build horizontal relationships that are "equal but not the same" for all people, there will no longer be any room for inferiority complexes to emerge
When one is not following through with one's tasks, it is not because one is without ability, it is because one has lost the courage to face one's tasks
Being praised is what leads people to form the belief that they have no ability
The most important thing is not to judge other people. Judgment is a word that comes out of vertical relationships
It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage
One must not praise of rebuke
Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. You should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not
No one is perfect. There is no such thing as a 100 percent person
One simply has to focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot
Self-acceptance, not self-affirmation
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference
We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage
Confidence is doing without any set conditions whatsoever when believing in others. One believes unconditionally without concerning oneself with such things as security
It is precisely because we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence that it is possible for us to build a deep relationship
If you are afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run you will not be able to build deep relationships with anyone
Placing confidence in other is connected to seeing others as comrades
We are truly aware of our own worth only when we feel that our existence and behavior are beneficial to the community
It is through labor that one makes contributions to others and commits to one's community, and that one truly feels "I am of use to someone" and even comes to accept one's existential worth
People can change, regardless of their ages
Happiness is the feeling of contribution
People can be truly aware of their worth only when they are able to feel "I am of use to someone." However, it doesn't matter if the contribution one makes at such as time is without any visible form. It is enough to have the subjective sense of being of use to someone, that is to say, a feeling of contribution
Life is a series of moments. Moments called "now"
To shine a spotlight on here and now is to go about doing what one can do now, earnestly and conscientiously
As long as we postpone life, we can never go anywhere and will pass our days only one after the next in null monotony, because we think of here and now as just a preparatory period, as a time for patience
The greatest life-lie of all is to not live here and now. It is to look at the past and the future, cast a dim light on one's entire life, and believe that one has been able to see something
An experience of hardship should be an opportunity to look ahead and think, what can I do from now on?
Life in general has no meaning. Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual
As long as we do not lose sight of this compass and keep on moving in this direction, there is happiness. The star is contribution to others
No matter what moments you are living, or if there arre people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of "I contribute to others" you will not lose your way and you can do whatever you like
Lets dance in earnest the moments of the here and now, and live in earnest. Do not look at the past and do not look at the future. One lives each complete moment like a dance. There is no nneed to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations. As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere
If you change, the world will change. No one else will change the world for you
You should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not