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How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

by Parker · 159 things on Twos

We learn by doing.
What lessons can I learn from this experience?
3 Techniques in Handling People
PRINCIPLE 1 - Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
PRINCIPLE 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation.
The only way to get someone to do something is to make the other person want to do it.
The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. "To know all is to forgive all."
"A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men." - Carlyle
"I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean." - Confucius
"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am lavish in my praise." - Charles Schwab
"In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world, I have yet to find the person, however great, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than they would ever do under a spirit of criticism." - Charles Schwab
Show appreciation for everyone.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart; the other from the teeth. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
Flattery is cheap praise.
If we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery.
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves.
Be lavish in your praise, and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.
PRINCIPLE 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want.
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own." - Henry Ford
If salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won’t need to sell us. We’ll buy. And customers like to feel that they are buying - not being sold.
The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.
People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.
Six ways to make people like you
PRINCIPLE 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people.
To be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a sales-person to possess—for any person, for that matter.
One can win the attention, time, and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
All of us like people who admire us.
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
We are interested in others when they are interested in us.
PRINCIPLE 2 - Smile
The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, I like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.
People who smile tend to manage, teach, and sell more effectively, and raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.
Your smile comes through in your voice.
People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.
You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.
There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is transforming you into that particular individual. Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude - the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high.
A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.
Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it.
PRINCIPLE 3 - Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.
Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds.
All this takes time, but good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
PRINCIPLE 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Listen intently and because you are genuinely interested.
Listening is just as important in one's home life as in the world of business.
I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.
Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively.
They are so concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open. Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.
Those people who think only of themselves are hopelessly uneducated.
If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
PRINCIPLE 5 - Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
PRINCIPLE 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.
The most important rule in the world: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
Almost everyone considers himself important, very important.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."
Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.
12 ways to win people to your way of thinking.
PRINCIPLE 1 - The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Why prove to a man he is wrong?
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
"If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will." - Ben Franklin
Figure it out for yourself. Which would you rather have, an academic, theatrical victory or a person’s good will? You can seldom have both.
"Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love." - Buddha
Misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by diplomacy, conciliation, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.
If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
You can measure the size of a person by what makes them angry.
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend, or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: "We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen."
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
When one yells, the other should listen-because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.
PRINCIPLE 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
If you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never.
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so that no one will feel that you are doing it.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.
One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.
Showing respect for all customers’ opinions and treating them diplomatically and courteously will help beat the competition.
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person.
Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it.
I judge people by their own principles - not by my own.
PRINCIPLE 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy.
If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them before that person has a chance to say them.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
PRINCIPLE 4 - Begin in a friendly way.
If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
Gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.
PRINCIPLE 5 - Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree.
He who treads softly goes far.
PRINCIPLE 6 - Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you. Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they - or at least some of them - will feel inferior and envious.
PRINCIPLE 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs.
I had urged him to buy what I thought he ought to have. Then I changed my approach completely. I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.
PRINCIPLE 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other persons’ viewpoint.
Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.
PRINCIPLE 9 - Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
PRINCIPLE 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives.
A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
All people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.
If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?
PRINCIPLE 11 - Dramatize your ideas.
This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
PRINCIPLE 12 - Throw down a challenge.
The way to get things done is to stimulate competition.
All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.
What greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome those fears?
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
Change "but" to "and."
Compliment good work and give a reason for it.
Lead by example.
Talk about your own mistakes first.
Give suggestions, not orders.
“You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?”
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.
If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.
Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
“The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.” - Samuel Vauclain
If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
“Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make great efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
“Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.” But give him a good name - and see what happens!
Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior.